Tag Archives: Thoughts

29 by 29 Update 3

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I wanted to do another update on how I’m getting on with my 29 by 29 list this last month:

  1. Move into my own place - Complete!
  2. Adopt a cat – I’m thinking June/July after I’ve had laser eye surgery to avoid allergies
  3. Do a Super Sprint Triathlon - 400m swim, 20km bike, 2.5km run - Signed up for the short super sprint on the 12th May!
  4. Take part in running club events and volunteer to help when I can’t take part – I’ve signed up for two 5 miles events in April and June and thinking a 10km for July :)
  5. Do the Parkrun once a month and volunteer as a marshall
    1. January = 38:19
    2. February = 34:40
    3. March = 34:42
  6. Bake more bread – yet to start this :(
  7. Complete the CBT Journal for Dummies - Got delayed with the move and getting proper CBT therapist, but will pick up again
  8. Read more classic books as part of my 2013 reading challenge - i’m going to make sure I do this over the remainder of the year
  9. Stick to my budget and save for holidays and house things - this is more important than ever!
  10. Take a bike maintenance course – been looking for one, but no joy yet
  11. Join a WW meeting and work towards goal - I created my 3 month and 6 month plan so this has changed a bit :)
  12. Blog – maybe a redesign  - Complete!
  13. Plan budget friendly trips – Booked to go to Portugal this month, then it will be exploring locally :)
  14. Try acupuncture – this is going to depend on finances :(
  15. Keep working to create and maintain good mental health - Working on this and it has really become an important aspect of my life :)
  16. Join a coffee club - it’s one of my big weight loss rewards for the next few months :)
  17. Take part in the Masters galas and club championships
    1. February Gala – 2 Golds and 2 Silvers!
    2. Next one in June :)
  18. Work out savings plan for trip to Japan - this is on hold :(
  19. Catch up on Greys Anatomy (been watching Castle non stop)
  20. Get regular haircuts - Going well :)
  21. Move forward with my life and make new friends – making work friends :)
  22. Do my best at my new job - I am enough - Still think this is going well.
  23. Keep my commute healthy - Felt better this last week as the evenings are now lighter (worried about next winter though)
  24. Listen to Harry Potter audiobooks - Books one, two and three done :)
  25. Get rid of stuff I no longer need when I move – Complete!
  26. Use the mantra ‘F**k It’ – trying to remember this
  27. Take up pilates or yoga – might have to get a dvd to do this one
  28. Create photo albums for all my trips
  29. Try two new recipes a month from my cook books - Now I’ve got my veg box coming each week I am making more of an effort to try new combinations, but would like to sit down and take the time to decide on some recipes.

Overall good progress this month. A few things are on hold due to finances, but not ruled out forever – who knew buying a house was so costly! Then other things have come a long like being told I have to wear glasses all the time – hence the laser eye surgery booking. This is not a bad thing though, I just need to prioritise and explore locally more. I’m happy, nervous and excited that I’ve signed up for a few events over the next couple of months. It gives me something to work towards and keep me focused. I’m really looking forward to heading over to Portugal to see Ingrid. I think the coming month is going to be a good one too!

Lonely

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This week I’ve felt very lonely and have been using food to fill the hole that is opening up.

I’m don’t normally feel lonely like this. I like being on my own. I like being independent and live to my own routine and schedule. But this week something has been missing.

I think this something has been missing for a while if I want to be truly honest with myself. I’m not the most social person, but I get out to running club and swimming club and socialise. But I don’t hang out with anyone. I haven’t been to the cinema or grabbed a coffee with anyone who isn’t family in too long. I look at my phone and wonder who I could call, but the people who spring to mind I’ve pushed away. It’s not all my fault, but I have to take responsibility for my part.

The last year has been like hell for me. I only feel things are starting to look up in the last few months. I got a new job and moved into my own house. But there is something missing that I have been trying to ignore or tell myself I don’t need, but I do.

I think the worst part is I don’t know how to fill the hole. I’ve used food this week and it just makes me feel worse as I goes against the plan I for myself. I need to take small steps to develop new friendships. It’s going to be hard, but I need to force myself to do them so I don’t sink back to a place where I can’t climb out of.

So I have a plan ;)

I’ve signed up for two 5 mile club events in April and June. These are two local events and I plan to go with the running club and go with the flow by getting a lift with someone and hanging out after.

I have also signed up for a Triathlon in May! This is organised by one of the running club captains, so I will use this as a way to get to know them and volunteer to help with other events they run.

The little things I want to do is get out of the house and go for coffee more often. I reduced it due to budget, but I realise that it is a nice way of bumping into people in my local town so I will get back to doing this. I will also go for coffee after the Parkrun next month as a few of the running club members meet after and chat, so I will make it my mission to do that.

I don’t want to overdo it, so having these plans in place makes me happier. It doesn’t help with the feeling I have right now, but I will be strong and get out of the house.

I think the thing we forget when we lonely is that everyone else feels it at some point too. It’s easy to feel like I’m the only one out there that knows what it feels like, but logically I know it’s not true.

I wonder if loneliness is the source of my issues with food. I always binge eat alone. I don’t like eating in front of other people and I always think about what I can eat when no one is around. The feeling of shame is brought up a lot. Guilt and shame are feelings I have come to know too well. They almost feel normal, which is horrible to admit. When I think about being lonely I feel ashamed and that is worrying and scary. I somehow feel like I’ve failed. Like I’ve failed at life somehow. Unable to let people in and hold on to them. I wonder what type of person I am who does this. Not a nice thought path to go down I can tell you!

I think this is coming to the surface as I’ve been doing a lot of CBT work with my therapist. It’s not permanent as it’s on the NHS, but I’m glad I’m doing it. I think I will need to get a private therapist after as I think I need someone to talk to without worrying if I make sense or about what I am saying. I like just being honest with someone. There aren’t many people I can be like that with.

So I’m admitting I’m lonely, but I am going to do little things to improve it and make it part of developing the me I want to be :)

Things I’m Loving… The Fray Heartbeat

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Things I'm Loving Friday

I haven’t been listening to much music over the last couple of months, but I did buy the latest album from The Fray and love the song Heartbeat.

This lyric resonates with me every time I hear it and I love putting this song on repeat in the car :)

“Oh you got a fire and it’s burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it’s burning just the same
And you don’t look back, not for anything
‘Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same”

Depression Lies

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It’s week has been and gone. It was my first full week in my new job. It was my birthday. It was tiring and contained a lot of information.

I haven’t felt my best all week. I’ve been okay at work because there has been lots to do and learn. But I have had this lost feeling all week. I think it is because its all new and I have gone from being the expert in my area in my last job, to a complete novice in my new job. The doubts are creeping and threatening to overwhelm.

It also doesn’t help I have my Chartered Environmentalist interview tomorrow. I knew I would get nervous, but I really feel like I don’t know anything. I feel unprepared. I know it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get chartered, but I will be extremely disappointed. I already I know I will blame myself for not doing enough.

The self doubt is the worst.

I then came across a blog post from Will Wheaton titled Depression Lies and know its true.

Depression is an illness. I feel it is an illness that doesn’t want you to get better. It tells you to stop everything, to give in to the despair, as that will make it better. When the truth is it won’t at all. Depression lies to you and you have to fight with all your strength sometimes not to be sucked into its lies.

I keep reminding myself of the work I have already done for the chartered status. I wouldn’t have gotten the interview without the work. The two essays I had to write we’re reviewed by people who believe I have the skills needed to become chartered. They wouldn’t have given me an interview if I didn’t meet the criteria. Therefore the interview is to cement that and prove I can think on my feet and can apply my knowledge.

It is the depression talking and telling me I’m not good enough. It lies.

My eating this week was good to start then slipped on my birthday and for the couple of days after. But I kept my exercise going and that helped a lot with sleeping. I lost 1.4lbs and reached my 5% goal on WeightWatchers! So my next goal is to lose a stone, which is 2lbs away. I’ve been using Myfitnesspal too and think that has helped as it takes my exercise into consideration, which I have never done on WeightWatchers. I think I need to get the balance better and make sure I eat enough and not burn out. It’s a work in progress, but it is progress nonetheless :)

I’m hoping the job will become clearer and I get used to the commute. In the meantime I will keep moving forward and do the best I can in the moment. I will try not to worry about what the future holds and focus on what I can do now and enjoy it.

Adventures in Books.. F**K It Therapy

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I’ve been reading this book for a while. I loved the first one and knew I would love this one too. It’s great, but harder as it asks you to work through things in more detail than before. It isn’t a step by step guide to dealing with your issues, but it definitely gets you thinking about a lot of different things, without stressing out about them.

 

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The above quote is form early on in the book and resonated with me deeply. I know I over think a lot and cause myself worry. So I have this picture on my phone to remind myself of what is important or to think about what is really important and why the current stress is not always worth the pain of the stress.

Saying Fuck It is really therapeutic for me. I rarely swear. I’m not against it, I just never got into using swear words in my daily life. Maybe it feels like rebelling. Being a bit dangerous and swearing. I don’t know, but it does have a calming effect, especially when I combine it with some deep breathing.

As I said this book took me longer to read than the one before as it hit sensitive spots in my armour and I needed time to think and deal with them before moving on to the next section.

I decided to read the whole book, but I know the last sections were too far ahead for me. I read them, but could not relate as much as the start of the book. The beginning deals with the prisons we create for ourselves and that hit home. I have definitely created my own prisons and have built the walls up high. I really liked the breaking through the walls section and this is where I feel I currently am. I need time to identify my prisons and why I built them as well as why I keep them up. Most likely this is because I see them as protection. But I know I want to knock them down and let in the air and light, which will take time.

This book will be on my coffee table for a long time. I will be using it as a reference guide from now on, flipping to the bits I need as and when. It’s a great book and I would recommend it to anyone. I’m glad this is the first book I’ve read in 2013 :)

I want to leave you with my new mantra:

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