I’m restless right now.
I love a lot of my life right now, but at the same time I know I want more. I love my house with my cats and the freedom I have in my new job and the future travels I have planned. But, I’m having a severe case of small-town syndrome, which started late last year and hasn’t disappeared.
Part of me wonders if it’s another symptom of everything not being quite right with how I am thinking about things. I wonder if it stems from wanting to jump into something new to distract from the things causing me discomfort right now. I need a bit more time to work through things in therapy before I make any life changing decisions, but at the same time I can try to calm my restlessness by looking at options.
I’m currently on a contract with work so there may be an opportunity next year to move form my small town to a city. I want to live in a city just once. It might not end up being right for me, but I want to try it out. I also want to try out living by the coast and up in the mountains at some point in my life. I’ve come to realise I don’t want to stay living where I am forever and I’m okay with that. I like a base, but after a few years I need to move onto something new and that is exciting.
It is about being brave and stepping out into the unknown every so often. I need to take myself out of my comfort zone to make sure I am living my life to the full and not becoming complacent.
My heart has not yet found it’s permanent place and it may never find it. I’m not a nomad, but I want to move around and experience different things. I thought I would be living abroad this time 10 years ago, but I didn’t go after it. My dreams have changed and that is okay, but I won’t ignore them any more or let the everyday distract me from what I really want to live my life for.
I am curious about what life can hold. I’ve made decisions about my life already that mean I need to find my fulfillment away from the norm. I don’t want to conform with a traditional way of life. This might be my way of rebelling against the life part of me thinks I should want. I really want adventure and exploration! My versions of these are probably very different from other people’s and again that is okay with me. In the end as long as I am living the life I want to live what else is there to be concerned with?
Before I decided to go back to therapy I bought the Happiness Planner after seeing it on Twitter and my friend Sheli getting one and posting her initial thoughts. Once someone I knew had given a review I was totally on board so I ordered the lavender 100 day version with the inspirational pencils.
I want to add more gratitude to my life and this seemed like a way to focus my effort to build some good habits around this over an 100 day period. They also do a yearly version, but I wasn’t ready to commit to that. The planner starts with some reflection questions to take a look at what makes you tick. There are lots of quotes and prompts in the planner to make you think.
So far I am love the planner and the pencils. Each time I go to write in it I pick a pencil that resonates or where I think I need a reminder for the day. This is also making me work on my hand writing as I have always wanted to have neater handwriting so I am slowing down when I fill it in and that makes a difference for me. I’m only a little bit in so I will update across the 100 days to let you know how I am getting on.
It’s been an interesting few months in my world. I’ve got back on the blogging train and have been posting consistently for the last couple of months, which has felt great. Although I don’t think I’ve been blogging about my journey and adventures in life really. I’ve been showing the happy, fun-filled side, but not the harder, darker side that is there behind the scenes. Dark is probably the wrong word, but that is often how depression is described. Maybe grey would be better, as then can turn to silver (a favourite of mine) and so also shows that you can come out the other side. But as with grey clouds you can slip behind them every so often. That is nothing to be ashamed of I’ve come to learn. We all have off days, but the key for anyone with depression is to not let them become a low period. I’m happy with how I’ve been doing mentally these last few months as I could have let myself slip a long way into the grey, but I didn’t. However I have gone back to some habits and coping mechanisms that are not beneficial to me. It’s because they are easy and known that bring comfort at those lower periods. I want to work on this and so I’m heading back to therapy.
I need some help and this feels the right time to focus on myself. Later this year I have a trip of a lifetime and several friends are getting married and I want to celebrate with them to the full. So I am dipping into my savings to treat to myself well. This blog is one of my outlets and I will continue to share my experiences through this time in my life as I have through the past 5 years with my journey through depression. It’s one part of my life and impacts on other aspects so I am not going to ignore it or shy away from the subject. If I can help in any way to combat the stigma about mental health illnesses and show that it’s important to get the help you need without guilt or shame I will be happy.
My focus this time is around my weight and behaviours when it comes to food. I want to work with my new therapist to discover what caused this and work to find other coping mechanisms that will be much more helpful. It is not focused on losing weight, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I am hoping it’s a side effect of working through the issues. My weight is a symptom of the issues, so I need to treat the real cause as I’ve done the symptom approach before and pretty much gained all the weight back as of last week. So it’s time to take a different approach.
I’m also doing my own work at looking at body image and body posivitity and am currently listening to a range of new podcasts that I’ll share another time. I have also extended my reading list to include a vast amount of books by women I admire and have shared their stories. I’ll be working my way through using audiobooks and reading. I feel hopeful right now. I think this is about my approach and my way of thinking and relieved about moving away from dieting and focusing on my own wellness and what really makes me feel good. It’s a journey and learning curve and I won’t get it ‘right’ straight away, but I’m going to find what works for me and part of that will be being able to adapt to life’s changes as they come along. That feels exciting!
While researching I need to make sure I am taking care of myself in really nice ways. I want to switch my current ‘caring’ activities to ones that are really about caring and not about punishing myself.
These are things I know make me feel better and so I would like to do more often. I’m not setting myself targets, but will monitor how I get on and how it impacts on my mood and productivity. I think doing as many of these as I can each day will make a great difference and ensure I move away from destructive habits that no longer serve me in the way I need.
My self-care checklist:
- Face cleanse and moisturise
- Make a really good cup of coffee and sit and enjoy it
- Get the sleep I need
- Be active
- Keep my home clean and tidy
- Actively play with the cats
- Prepare/cook my meals
- Relax – meditate, journal, blog, read
- Stay hydrated
- Dress to make me feel good
This feels like a good start in changing how I feel about myself and my relationship with food. These are the things I let slide when I’m not feeling good about myself. It’s the simple things that make the difference I believe. I don’t want to complicate my life, but I want to change it.