Merry and Pippin turn 2 today and they are definitely in their teenage years! I love them though and look forward to many more years having fun with them.
While researching I need to make sure I am taking care of myself in really nice ways. I want to switch my current ‘caring’ activities to ones that are really about caring and not about punishing myself.
These are things I know make me feel better and so I would like to do more often. I’m not setting myself targets, but will monitor how I get on and how it impacts on my mood and productivity. I think doing as many of these as I can each day will make a great difference and ensure I move away from destructive habits that no longer serve me in the way I need.
My self-care checklist:
- Face cleanse and moisturise
- Make a really good cup of coffee and sit and enjoy it
- Get the sleep I need
- Be active
- Keep my home clean and tidy
- Actively play with the cats
- Prepare/cook my meals
- Relax – meditate, journal, blog, read
- Stay hydrated
- Dress to make me feel good
This feels like a good start in changing how I feel about myself and my relationship with food. These are the things I let slide when I’m not feeling good about myself. It’s the simple things that make the difference I believe. I don’t want to complicate my life, but I want to change it.
I’ve been thinking a lot in recent weeks about what I want and how I can get there. I’ve grown over the last few years and it feels good and there are still things I want to change. I’ve come to see this isn’t a bad thing. Just because I want to make changes to how I live my life doesn’t mean I’m doing anything bad at the moment, rather it’s about growing and changing to fit that growth.
The first thing I want to work on is moving away from diets. I’ve tried WW so many times now and always struggled to make it work. I’ve read multiple books, listened to many podcasts, and visited multiple websites, but it’s all the same. I’m rebelling against being told what to do. In reality I want to change my relationship with food. I know I use food as a drug to cope with my emotions. I want to change that to make food nourishment to support my life.
This is a huge shift for me. It’s not going to be easy, but I am determined to find what is right for me and work hard to get to a different place. I want that place to evolve. It’s not about the destination, but about the journey. I want to create a love for food that lets me explore it and places while I travel. Guilt Free!
So I’ve got some new research to do on intuitive eating, self-care, mindfulness, and body positivity. I’ve got a few leads to follow from some of my favourite blogs. Maybe we all reach this place at some time on a weight loss journey. I want to lose weight still, but in a more natural way than restricting what I eat all the time. I have some work to do on binge eating behaviour so I’ll be looking back at all the CBT I did a couple of years ago. I’ve also been through my social media and removed things that no longer fit with where I am – another way of evolving.
It feels good getting this out. It’s hard to talk to people about as everyone is in different places. Most people automatically jump to suggesting diets and fitness, but that’s not what I need. I need to spend time on myself to understand myself and the changes I want to make. It’s funny how people react when you do say ‘oh no, I’m not going to follow a diet’, it ranges from incredulous to disbelief. I’m using it to make me laugh. No one know me better than myself!
I have a plan. I need to do research. I need to keep it simple. I need to trust and believe in myself.
I can do this.
These last couple of months I have been having a serious case of impostor syndrome. It refers to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalise their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud” (source). This is exactly how I’ve been feeling, although I don’t necessarily put myself in the same boat as the people I consider to be ‘high-achieving’, but rather as someone who is driven to do the best I can in any situation.
Since moving jobs within my organisation it’s been a great step up in work and responsibility. At the same time I keep having this sense that I could be doing more or better and that some day someone is going to call me out on this. I have no evidence for this though. I’ve been getting great feedback on all the work I’m doing from those people I now work with and my old team who see me around.
It is a weird sensation to feel this way. I keep looking for evidence to prove it correct, rather than believe the evidence that says it is false. This is something I know stems from depression ways of thinking. I talked about this when I was doing CBT therapy. I even did an experiment to look at this way of thinking. It all comes back to the simple thought of ‘Im not good enough’ . It’s made me realise I need to take time to tackle this and not ignore it because I’m busy. These are very destructive thoughts and unhelpful to life I want to live.
I’ve been reading up on the subject and taking inspiration from famous women who have spoken out on the topic, such as Emma Watson. It’s important to speak out on the subject as others can take heart they are not alone. This has led me to look more at the topics of feminism and body positivity. It’s opening a whole new world to me and inspiring me to think differently about myself and how I let other people treat me and make me feel. It’s quite freeing. I’m going to continue to look at these topics and find inspiration in new areas, rather than focus on diet and fitness.
I’ve never been one to fear change, get a little nervous maybe, but not in way that has stopped me from going for what I want. I find though that I when I am worried about changing anything it is usually because I am thinking about what other people might think, which is really stupid!
I’ve felt my life changing for the last 6 months. I’ve been promoted to a new role and really want to make the most of this opportunity to prove to myself what I am capable of and continue to progress in the next couple of years. I’ve been being more sociable over the last year than I was when I created the life I currently hold myself to. I’m also not trying to do everything fitness wise anymore, but rather picking one goal and working towards it. I still want to lose weight, but I know it’s the food that makes the difference, not the exercise for me, so need time to cook more often.
So why am I finding it so hard to leave the clubs I joined?
I needed them at the time and have loved being a part of a running and swimming community, but now they just don’t fit with my life. I feel I am forced to go or if I chose not too I feel guilty for missing something I have paid for.
I want to switch things up and re-find my love of being active without the pressure to fit in. I keep meaning to go to the local circuits’ class, but can’t stand the thought of booking myself up every evening of the week. I want the flexibility to cook, read, blog, or even go swimming when I want to, not when the sessions are. I want to swim at the lake more and become part of that community more than I have been. I want to use my weekends to explore and see friends, not to catch up on sleep!
I want to change!
But I’m worried about what other people will think. That is what is currently holding me back. I’m known for trying. I’m known for giving everything a go. I’m known for doing all sorts of activity. So, stopping or reducing my involvement could be seen as going in the wrong direction. I think I partly believe this myself, which is why I keep thinking that is what other people will think.
For me this is changing for the better. It is freeing up my time to do things I want to do. It will reduce the stress I cause myself through the internal struggle I go through every time. I still have goals to lose weight and swim a bloody marathon! They don’t go away just because I stop being a member of a club. I’ve absolutely hated the club politics I’ve been on the edge of this last year too and when you are volunteering that is not how I want to spend my time or waste more time worrying about it.
When I look at it, it just seems silly to try to keep the life that no longer serves me. I want to adapt to a new life that serves what I need right now. I then want to change things up again when that is no longer what I want.
I want to keep changing and evolving as a person throughout my life!
That is what is important to me. Wow, I just feel like a weight has been lifted just from writing this post. It’s helped get my thoughts in order and work out what was really bothering me and what I really want to do.
So that’s it. I’m going to not sign up to running club for this year (I’ve been procrastinating on this since the start of the month) and I am going to at least reduce my swimming with the swimming club. I don’t think I can fully stop this one as I’m not a fan of public sessions, so will see how it goes.
That feels better.