I’ve been itching to declutter and tidy my house since December, but have waited until I could dedicate some solid time to it, to do it properly. I think this has always been about more than just the physical things I want to clear out, but it has only come to light as I’ve been doing the physical decluttering that the mental decluttering is coming to the surface. More on that later.
In terms of physical decluttering, I felt I had so much stuff taking up space that my home was feeling suffocating. Not nice! This has stemmed from a change in mindset I’ve been through in the last year. I’ve switched from wanting all the things, to wanting all the experiences. Many of the things I have bought or been given over the years have not stood the test of time and live up to the memories that are much more valuable. I’ve also bee inspired by a few people out there taking a more minimal approach and it resonated so much.
I decided to buy the hold grail of tidying books – The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up by Marie Kondo. This was a really interesting read and it definitely made me think about what I have in my space differently. I’ll admit now that I did not fully follow the method, but I definitely took on the principles, which led to a much more thorough clear out than I would have been able to do otherwise.
My clear out has been so thorough that I now cannot put my car in the garage as there is so much stuff in there that needs to go to the tip of charity shops (I have a plan for the next week or so to get this gone!).
It was an exhausting few days, but it was so therapeutic doing it and seeing the results instantly. This is also when it hit me about the mental decluttering. I turned down a few invite over the weekend as I wanted to concentrate on doing this and I think I was able to process some stuff I’ve been working through in therapy while sorting out the things. I’ve been letting things sit silent rather than face them over the last year and it’s all just under the surface and I am worried I will explode, but now I feel calmer. I want to face some things and deal with them no matter what the outcome as I know that will be better than keeping the issues all within myself. It’s made it very clear to me that some relationships in my life need to change, just as I needed to change how my home felt. It’s made me assess what is important to me and in turn what is therefore not important and has to go.
My home now feels peaceful and welcoming again, which is good timing seeing I’ve had to work from home this last week after hurting my foot (yes caused by tripping over the decluttering). I have space and gaps in cupboard and drawers and I have no desire to fill them up. I’ve moved things around a bit to give the things I value more space. My bedroom is no longer the storage area and my space room is now set up as a work space again. The cats have their space, but do not possess the whole house anymore (to their complete disappointment).
I planned this post to be about my weekend away, but I ended up travelling quite a bit for work either side of the weekend and it’s felt like I’ve been all over the place both physically and mentally.
I started off my travels by heading to London for a last minute trip with work. I needed to catch up with a few people and all of them were at the London office so it made sense to head there for the whole day. I quite like going to London with work, but I do like it when I have a bit more time so I can add on an adventure like going to a museum exhibition or head to the Japan Centre for supplies. This was a rush job as I needed to be back in time to pack for the next location.
My next stop was Brighton! A trip with the girls for the marathon weekend. I’ve been going a few years now and it is always a great weekend. Two girls were doing the marathon, another two did the 10k and a few others did the local park run. I walked everywhere as my foot is still playing up with plantar fasciitis. It was super hot and I caught the sun while we were shopping and relaxing on the beach. We even bagged free t-shirts for taking part in a game that involved being broadcast on the big screen on the beach!
Sunday involved coming back from Brighton with a quick stop at home and then driving up to the Lake District for another work trip. It wasn’t too bad as a friend drove back from Brighton so I only had the trip north to do. I hoped by going later in the afternoon I would miss the holiday traffic and I was right! I got up to Kendal at 8:30pm and crashed out. It worked out really well as I was refreshed for my 9am meeting in Grasmere.
The weather continued to be wonderful and spending the afternoon out around Grasmere was great. I love my job! After a day in the Lakres I then headed over to the Yorkshire Dales for another work trip. I met a work colleague for dinner in Settle and enjoyed a lovely evening and meal before more work in the Dales the following day.
The next was spent working from a local office with the local team. A piece of work I am doing is being tested up in the Dales and I don’t get to go up very often to work with the team and it’s always a good day. Fingers crossed I can work it out to go on a more regular basis.
After a day in the Dales it was time to head home. Unfortunately the traffic was not so kind on the way home and I got stuck and didn’t arrive home until 9:30pm. This is where my brain stopped working for 24 hours! I was so on form throughout all the travelling, but once back to normal I lose momentum and felt awful. I underestimated the impact of the travelling and paid for it by trying to push through it. Next time I need to plan in time to rest and rebalance.
I love exploring but I also need the energy to do it and enjoy it. Just being able to pause in between is useful and I’m learning all the time what I need to do physically and mentally to be my best with everything I want to do.
It’s a horrible feeling and one we all feel from time to time. It’s something I’ve working through with my therapist and it is very much linked to comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say and it’s true.
I’ve been trying over the last few months to get better at naming the emotions I am feeling. This is so I actually acknowledge they are there and what ever I am feeling is valid. Resentment has come up a lot recently and it’s been horrible. There are also feelings of guilt and shame associated with feeling resentment. It’s a messy feeling that can really drag you down. I’ve also been told I shouldn’t be resentful as it is frowned upon, which is why all those other feelings get stirred up as soon as it appears.
But you know what? I’m fucking allowed to feel resentment!
It is a valid feeling. I don’t like it, but it is okay to feel it. I think actong it would be wrong as often the person or thing you are recentful of is not aware of how you feel. It is one of those feeling that I would think twice about making any decisons. Recognising it, acknowledging it, and then moving forward is my way.
It is however hard feeling to talk about. People get ashamed or defensive when it comes to negative feelings even if it is not really about them. For example I’ve been feeling resentful that all my friends are in relationships and I’m not. That is not their fault and I am truly happy for them, but it doesn’t make it easier to ease the sadness and fear I feel. Also ive been feeling recentful or my parents and sisters because a lot has changed in recent years and I think I preferred it before. Again that is not their fault, but it doesn’t make what I’m feeling any less valid, it is just something I need time to work through.
Emotions are messy, espeically when you’ve spent most of your life repressing feeling because when you shown them the feedback from people has been negative and reenforced the need to hide them away. It’s not easy to start to feel them again, but I’m going to work hard to bring them alive.
Following on my post earlier in the year I have continued my thinking about how I spend and save my money to be able to do the things I want to do. I want to emphasise the ‘do things’ aspect of my thoughts as that is really a big shift in my mindset over the last few years. Doing things and having amazing experiences goes beyond money, but I find money or the absence of money can get in the way of experiences. The stress money can cause can be horrible, but I truly believe you can have great experiences no matter what your budget it. As I said this is a shift for my own mindset as I have very much lived in the moment with money over the last 7-8 years. I mean I have saved when required, but it’s always been for something specific – my house, a holiday, etc. – rather than having a fun fund or emergency fund to keep life easy. I want to stop living payday to payday as it is so not fun!
So I’ve continued with my goals from January (paying of my credit card and setting up my emergency fund), but I also want to get rid of some hindering spending habits. Lent is the perfect time to do this as a lot of people are giving things up and having a set amount of time to work with is something I have found useful in the past. Although I am not religious I appreciate aspects that have transferred into mainstream society. So for lent I have set up a no spend list!
There are several habits I have formed over the last few years that I feel have gotten a bit out of control, or that I definitely spend money on without fully thinking it through. So I have created a short list of things I will not spend money on for lent:
- Buying takeaways, including lunch at work and food at the cinema
- Buying non-necessities – books, candles, accessories, makeup, stationary and other stuff that falls into this category
Basically I want to question myself every time I need to spend money. I want to be become more mindful of my spending and where I choose to give my money. I already have a lot of stuff and I know I do not need more stuff. Along side this I am thinking about decluttering my entire house (I’m actually itching to do it, but would like a block of time to start with) and also think about giving and receiving gifts differently. I want to be generous, but mindful. I suppose I really want to get to a place where I do not worry about money as I know the choices I will make will support the life I am leading.
I’ve been looking at different ways to making myself feel good and that has meant experimenting with make up a bit more in the last 6 months. It’s been fun and confidence building. It makes me feel good to put on make up purely for myself. I enjoy putting it on and seeing a bit of a transformation in the morning, especially when I’m feeling a little low or tired. It’s like a 10 minute morning pep talk to help me start the day feeling fresh and confident.
I started off buying a few products I’ve tried in sample versions and loved them so decided it was time to buy the full size ones. All from Urban Decay I love the Makeup Setting Spray, the Eyeshadow Primer Potion and the Naked Skin Concealer. These all make so much difference and with a good primer help my makeup stay put all day. I didn’t think it was possible, but I have been proved wrong on eyeshadow and face coverage. All I need now is way to get lipstick to stay!
My next purchases were wild cards for me! All lip based from MAC I decided to take a chance on two of their iconic shades and a lip primer to help me keep them on. The lip primer is fantastic and make my lips feel smooth. I’ve since teamed it with a sugar scrub form Lush to get rid of any dry flakes. The only thing I wish I could do would be to add this on top of the lipstick, but I’ve not tried it and don’t know if it would work!
I first went for Velvet Teddy in a matte lipstick. This is very similar to a colour I already wear, but is definitely longer lasting than the moisturising based one I have been using. This was different because it’s matte, but I love it!
It’s definitely my new everyday and office colour. I love how it looks as it is a bit darker than I would normally go and it catches my eye in the mirror. The only thing I am still getting used to is how matte it is. After a while I can feel my lips starting to dry out and I have yet to figure out how to keep the moisture in my lips. I end up licking my lips more than I would like. It’s something I need to look into.
The next one I went for was a red! A true wild card for me! This is Ruby Woo in matte and it amazing!
I first wore it at Christmas as I was dressed up as a Christmas tree. I have then wore it a couple of times, but am still feeling a little self-conscious about how bright it is. I do feel goo when I put it on though and round the house I exude confidence, but for whatever reason I am self-conscious as soon as leave the house. I have been following a few more body positive people on Twitter and Instagram and that is definitely helping as they are amazing!
The other thing I am trying to do more of, but again it is taking a bit of time to get used to it, is to take fun selfies. I love it when people I follow do fun and free selfies and I want to do that myself. it is definitely fake it until I make it at the moment, but I am doing them, which is progress!