I have sprained my ankle again. I sprained it back in April and doing pretty much the same run I caught the edge of a pothole on Saturday. I now have a nice purple ankle (which Pippin decided he didn’t like the look of so I have a long scratch along it too).
I struggle to deal with injury. I feel quite frustrated. I start to blame myself and my weight for everything. It is easy to let this kind of thing bring me down. It is something that is out of my control and therefore I stress about it. Even though I have been slacking intentionally this lack few weeks due to the arrival of the kittens, I was just getting back into the swing of things and it’s thrown me off. So I have to approach something that is out of my control in a way that I would approach something that is in my control.
Therefore I want to deal with it differently this time. I’m going to follow the plan from April, but start earlier than last time. I basically held off everything until I’d see a physio, but this time I’ve done that bit so know what I should be doing.
- RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevate)
- Walk (as much as possible and correctly)
- Balance exercises (from previous physio visit)
- Swim (not breaststroke)
- Cycle (with running club)
- Movement exercises (from previous physio visit)
- Physio (first appointment available)
Mentally I have to work as well. I have to avoid the temptation to give up everything for a week or two, as that will follow on and turn into a month. I have to watch my food and binge behaviour and frustration can lead to that for me. I need to spend this time being extra aware of myself.
I will make the most of the time by reading and playing with my kittens. I will catch up with friends and write letters and blog posts. I’m also going to help at running club by timing the next club relay event and cycle to road routes to make sure everyone is okay as the nights get a little bit darker each week.
So I have a plan I can control and will enjoy (probably more than the actual running!). I am going to see this as an opportunity to get more involved with the runners I don’t always get to see as they are a lot faster than me. It will be a nice change of pace.
I didn’t realise this for quite a while after I was diagnosed. It is not as simple as other disease where there is a pill to take and it will go away. It’s complicated and takes everyone a different amount of time and a different type of approach to fight it.
For me it was a complete sense of hopelessness and lost in a maze with no exit.
I felt useless and as though I could do nothing right. I constantly told myself I was a failure at life.
I felt alone, even when surrounded by people. I wanted to be on my own, yet needed to know there were people out there thinking about me. I was a complete contradiction at times.
I didn’t know why I was living my life. It felt like a waste of time.
I struggle with all-or-nothing thinking and depression makes this a lot worse. I am a perfectionist in my own way. I like to do the best job I can do at anything I set out to try. So anything less than that feels like failure. I don’t know what caused it. I think it was a combination of a lot of things that culminated in a tipping point that I couldn’t come back from on my own.
I’ve had to work hard to tackle this way of thinking head on. I’ve been on medication. I’ve take therapy, including a year of CBT. I’ve completed homework. I’ve read books. I’ve read lots of online stories. I used lots of free online resources. It takes work every day. I just signed up to an online course for the next 6 weeks. I’ve added a list of resources to the bottom of this post that I recommend for anyone struggling with any kind of mental health struggle.
The hardest thing for me though is other people – my family included. No one understands really unless they have also been through something similar. It’s hard to talk about with anyone who doesn’t really understand. I’ve been lucky and had two people I can talk to without hesitation, but it took me a long time to open up and be okay with that. Therapy really helped as I could talk about how other people made me feel without worrying I was going to offend anyone while working through my reactions and the causes of them. I was then better able to articulate what I meant outside of therapy and stopped worrying about other people so much.
I still find comparison thoughts tricky to deal with. In order to combat this I had to give up Facebook for an extended period. I decided I didn’t need to know what my friends or old friends were doing every day and I would prefer to hear from them personally. I now only view it when something from running club needs a reply. I also purged my Twitter and Instagram feeds to get rid of anything negative or unhelpful – otherwise these resources have been fantastic. Blogging has also been a way for me to sort out my thoughts. I don’t tell people about my blog in person; I let people find it on their own as I don’t want anyone to feel as though they have to read it because I’ve told them about it. I want anyone who reads it to find it interesting and useful because they like the same things.
What I want to get across from this post is that everyone has difference experiences of depression. Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel is not worth the help and support you need. Don’t let anyone put you down or depression down as something to get over. It’s real and it’s life threatening. You are worth fighting for.
Resources I’ve found useful:
Getting Merry and Pippin was a great decision. They are fantastic company and are still getting more affectionate with each day.
They are also crazy at times and love to look at anything I have – including tea and sparkling water!
Plus they are so cute when they sleep!
I’ve also been training them to wear harnesses and walk forward on the lead for treats and it’s working really well. I only have them on for a little bit each day and reward them for their good behaviour and they have gone form hating to having them on to this week falling asleep with them on as I add a few minutes on each time. These aren’t the ones I’m actually going to use as they are too big and I feel they are not that comfortable once attached the leads so I plan on getting some jacket ones which I’ve seen online and look much better fitting.
They make me feel happy when I come home and I love staying in now and playing with them and watching them sleep and explore. I’ve been slacking on my exercise, but I’m not beating myself up about it as I’ll only get this time with them as kittens once and I want to enjoy it. I feel happy right now and that is such as different place to where I’ve been for the last few years and I want to give them a great life and be around for them for their whole lives.
The death of Robin Williams is another reminder of how precious life is and that everyone is fighting their own battles. Asking for help and making steps to help ourselves shows strength and admitting that you are not okay is the first step and the bravest one to take. Merry and Pippin have made me love life again and I’m so thankful for that.
This year has been great. I feel in a good place and am enjoying life. There are things I’m working to make better, such as working towards the next level at work and having more money. But overall I have made great strides in creating the life I want and enjoy every day. There is much less guilt and shame than there used to be. I feel content and comfortable in my head.
However it is not the same in my body. This is not me being negative, but honest. I have hated the hot weather this year. I have felt uncomfortable in my clothes and doing things as I get hot really easily and then feel self-conscious because I sweat (also a lot). It hasn’t stopped me doing things I really want to, but it has made me lose motivation for running. My body is just not up for it right now.
I haven’t felt like this physically in a good number of years and it is reminding me of all the horrible things associated with being overweight. So I want to do something about it. It’s no secret I’ve been trying for the whole year (since before I started this blog) and nothing has stuck. I have resisted everything. It would be easy to beat myself up for this and punish myself with a strict regime, but I’m not going to do that this time. I want to treat myself and my body well.
I had to go out and buy linen trousers for work because of the heat. I also had to make sure they had an elasticated waist band to makes sure I would be comfortable in them all day. All my other work trousers are not feeling good at the moment. I haven’t had to do this in a long time and I didn’t like it. I like to buy clothes as I seem them if I like them, rather than have to. I hate having to shop for something specific as you can usually guarantee no shop will have it at the time you need it.
Getting the kittens and following the guide for the amount of food they need is making me responsible to their health and I wonder why I haven’t felt the same way about my own health. I’m usually okay during the day at sticking to meals and only snacking on fruit, but I’ve made it too easy not to eat well in the evening. I get stuck between listening to my body and keeping a structure of 3 meals a day. There are some days where I feel hungry all day no matter what and that is when I crack under the pressure.
Sometimes I just need to get out how I’m feeling and try to get my thoughts in some kind of logical order in order to reflect and move forward. I don’t have the answers, but I am not going to stop trying to find out what works for me and will help shape the body that will support the life I am leading and want to continue to lead.
A post Nic wrote last week on her blog really struck a cord with me – Practical Help. I feel I talk about this a lot and don’t make any progress. I frustrate myself as I hate it when other people do this to me and just like Nic am someone who looks for ways to take action. Not necessarily solve a problem, but do something to alleviate the bad from a situation. Yet I’m not doing this myself for myself. I’m trying to balance being kind and being determined to make the changes I want to make, but get frustrated with the lack of progress. So I am going to sit down and look at this as though a friend was coming to me with the same thing – what would I advise them to do? I want to practically help myself.
I am feeling rubbish at the moment. So tired and run down. I think it’s the heat. I don’t think I’ve slept properly in weeks!
I’m trying not to blame the furballs for that, even though they wake me up some time between 4am and 6am every day!
I’m sure it’s because I can’t cool down enough for my liking. At night or during the day I can’t cool down (well only in the car with the air conditioning on or lake swimming!). I feel sleepy all the time and have no energy to do anything. I haven’t been for a run in a couple of weeks! I’ve been swimming, but not much else. It’s definitely getting to me.
I either need to push myself to get out there and up my exercise or I need a proper rest.
I’m feeling sorry for myself.
Then I get home to the kittens and they make me smile and laugh. They are getting more affectionate too – although at 4am it’s a little early! They have grown too in the three weeks I’ve had them; they’ve already put on half a kilo each! Both are within the healthy range though and are now on the vets recommended food. They have to have their vaccinations again next week and also have the flea stuff. Then I have think about getting them neutered as we will be having no funny business in my house! I am constantly looking online for different toys for them – at the moment I’ve searching for a puzzle feeder and indoor grass grower of some kind to keep them entertained and not wolfing down their food.
It feels weird being responsible for two lives, but they are making great flatmates and all I want to do is be at home to play and watch them at the moment. I’ve read a lot recently because I haven’t been running and I’ve been waiting for them to wake up. They are super cute!
I’m taking tonight off and finish my book. I just want to curl up and cool down and sleep. Fingers crossed the weather cools down soon. I love long summer days, but when temperature gets above 20 degrees Celsius I don’t function properly!