Tag Archives: Depression

It’s okay not to be okay

Some posts are really easy to write and other are not at all. This one is definitely the latter and it’s quite frustrating as I’ve been openly talking about mental health and my personal mental health for a while. So why does it feel so hard to say ‘I’m not doing okay right now’?

I went back to the doctor this month to ask to go back on anti-depressants. I should have gone back a while ago, but made many excuses not to until I couldn’t think of any other way to help myself.  I also felt a lot of shame and guilt for needing to and that is the most frustrating part and I would not put that on anyone else at all. But that is part of what made me realised I’m not doing so well right now.

  • My negative internal voice is up at full volume.
  • I’m not sleeping well at all.
  • I don’t find joy in so many things.
  • I struggle to put my energy into social activities.
  • I’ve stopped exercising.
  • I am eating so much convenience food.
  • I’ve put on weight (I can tell from my clothes).
  • I’ve been avoiding family.
  • I feel tired and low all the time.
  • I’ve lost my concentration for reading and movies.

But at the same time I have been doing so much to keep myself going and functional

  • I’m doing weekly therapy sessions.
  • I’m bullet journalling.
  • I’m talking to close friends and family.
  • I’m enjoying my job.

In some ways then I am more than okay. At work I am thriving and love being challenged. But that is where all my energy goes and there is nothing left for taking care of myself or having a life outside of work. This won’t work long term.

So I asked to go back on anti-depressants as I know they will help me sleep. That in term will give me more energy to exercise and eat better, which is all part of taking care of myself. The activity I do like doing is with friends, which ups my social activities. The only side that feels hard is my family, where I just don’t feel like I fit in any more. My depression brain is sending all sorts of messages and at the moment, right now, they are too hard to untangle. I need some space and time to unravel my thoughts and find my place.

It’s a weird place to be right now. I don’t want anyone to treat me differently, but already see it happening with family and it sucks. It makes me feel I can’t be myself as depression me needs special treatment, which I don’t believe that to be true. I just want people to know I am trying, but I’m trying for me, not for anyone else. Don’t put pressure on me to conform. Don’t be offended if I say no. None of this is about you. It’s just me and that’s okay. I need to find my own way and I’ll ask for the help I need, don’t try to force it on me.

I don’t feel broken. I don’t need anyone to fix me.

My brain just isn’t quite working correctly at the moment and that’s okay.

I’m okay with not being okay.

My Bullet Journal

I’ve never been able to stick to writing a journal. I couldn’t do the ‘dear diary’ thing all the kids of TV shows were doing when I grew up. I was never very good at getting my thoughts out of my head. No wonder I have trouble expressing myself. It’s one of the main reasons I decided to start a blog as I wanted to share what I was doing and how I felt about things in a creative way. I am not the type of person to write and then edit. I say what I want to and hit publish, simple.

However I have always been a huge fan of lovely notebooks and funky colourful pens. I loved being in school at a time when computers were still only used for IT classes. I still find if I need to remember something I have to write it down. So all my lovely notebooks have often just had scribbles of random projects I’ve been working on over the years. However there has been a change in the last few months as I decided to have another go at a bullet journal.

So as I embark on starting a brand new Harry Potter Moleskine beauty of a notebook I thought I would share my set up for May with you.

Lets just take a moment to appreciate the stickers that are hidden in the pocket of the notebook and that I have chosen to stick on the very first page (you know the page that is attached the cover so is not really a usable page? Yeah that one.)

I start my bullet journal with a a date and key. I keep it as simple as possible and have chosen symbols that I already use when taking notes in work. I can always add to it if I need to, but after a few months I’ve found these are the ones I use.

Next up I like to have a view of the whole month. I like to know what I’m committed to already so I can plan my time well and make sure I get enough downtime to enjoy the fun things. I use one main colour per month and the other colours will pop up as nice bursts every so often. This way I can easily see which pages belong together if I ever need to look back.

The next section I include is a gratitude journal. I’ve always had trouble keeping up with these if I’ve kept them separate to my calendar, but have found this works really well. I limit myself to a sentence at most, but some days it’s just a word or two. It’s nice to look back on, but the use I get from this is that it makes me pause for a minute and think of something I’m grateful for. I also try to put down something different each day, but don’t worry about looking back at the previous months.

The next section is my master to-do list. This is for the big stuff I need to do each month. It might include the stuff I don’t have to do regularly, or one off things, or things for later in the month I might forget about otherwise. I keep the day to day stuff in a later section and I also have an app on my phone for reminders so I’m pretty well covered.

I then move on to some trackers. First up is a mood tracker. I find this really useful to remind myself how my mood fluctuates and that all feelings are temporary. I added a simple note section to this month as found it useful to look back on when talking to my therapist about any sudden dips and the possible triggers.

The next tracker I have is a habit tracker. I have chosen to pick four each month and see how I get on. The aim is not to do each one every single day, but look at routine and relate back to my mood tracker. This month i am going back to basics on a few things to bring back some good habits and also work on one (getting up) that has been a stumbling block this last month. This is also where all the colours come out!

I think I’ve put the next section in the wrong place and will rectify that next month as it is not really a tracker and I think should be at the start of the monthly section, rather than in the middle. I’ve been doing a monthly reflections page for the last few years as it is a nice way to spend half an hour with a coffee and just look back and forwards in order to focus on the now.

The next tracker is all about the money baby. I’m working really hard on curbing some unnecessary spending habits as I want to build an emergency fund and save for holidays and other fun stuff. I’ve found since the widespread use of contactless has happened I have become lax in keeping an eye on my spending. I’ve got my spending spreadsheet, the banking apps on my phone and use Money Dash Board, but right now find backing those up by writing each expenditure down makes me think things through. I used this tactic in university and it work really well, so I’m bring it back for 2017. It’s quite time consuming, so I don’t think it’s a permanent thing, but a useful tool to pull out of the box every so often.

I then have a section to focus on my blog. I’ve scaled my blogging down in the last year and my aim is one post a week as I really enjoy it, I just don’t always make the time with my job being busy. This allows me to think and plan ahead and it works really well.

The next section is also one I find extremely useful. I used to have my therapy session and then move on to something else and was getting super frustrated with forgetting what I’d been talking about the week before. Then I saw something like this somewhere I can’t now find and made it my own. I now spend 5-10 minutes after my session just noting down a few things and then before my next session I can recap.

Then comes the biggest section – the day to day bullet journal. This is where I note down anything I want to each day. I haven’t set myself a limit and just let myself free flow and go based on what I need each day, which means some days have 2 lines and others take up a page. I take a look in the morning to note down anything I need to do and then return in the evening to check those things off and note my thoughts/feelings/questions about the day. Like I said at the start I keep it simple and make it work for me.

The one thing I have found that the bullet journal doesn’t work for me with is random thoughts or working through things to make decision. So I also have to have a separate notebook to do this. I find this work for me as it also means I can use my phone notes section for random thoughts and not feel it must be transferred to the bullet journal.

There is loads of inspiration out there on what a bullet journal could do for you, but don’t be afraid to make it your own. I cannot be arsed with an index as I know I won’t keep it up to date, therefore I also don’t need to number the pages! I’m breaking the rules, but who cares, I don’t have enough fucks to give for that kind of thing.

Let’s talk about… mental health part 2


Resentment

It’s a horrible feeling and one we all feel from time to time. It’s something I’ve working through with my therapist and it is very much linked to comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say and it’s true. 

I’ve been trying over the last few months to get better at naming the emotions I am feeling. This is so I actually acknowledge they are there and what ever I am feeling is valid. Resentment has come up a lot recently and it’s been horrible. There are also feelings of guilt and shame associated with feeling resentment. It’s a messy feeling that can really drag you down. I’ve also been told I shouldn’t be resentful as it is frowned upon, which is why all those other feelings get stirred up as soon as it appears. 

But you know what? I’m fucking allowed to feel resentment! 

It is a valid feeling. I don’t like it, but it is okay to feel it. I think actong it would be wrong as often the person or thing you are recentful of is not aware of how you feel. It is one of those feeling that I would think twice about making any decisons. Recognising it, acknowledging it, and then moving forward is my way.

It is however hard feeling to talk about. People get ashamed or defensive when it comes to negative feelings even if it is not really about them. For example I’ve been feeling resentful that all my friends are in relationships and I’m not. That is not their fault and I am truly happy for them, but it doesn’t make it easier to ease the sadness and fear I feel. Also ive been feeling recentful or my parents and sisters because a lot has changed in recent years and I think I preferred it before. Again that is not their fault, but it doesn’t make what I’m feeling any less valid, it is just something I need time to work through.

Emotions are messy, espeically when you’ve spent most of your life repressing feeling because when you shown them the feedback from people has been negative and reenforced the need to hide them away. It’s not easy to start to feel them again, but I’m going to work hard to bring them alive.

Let’s talk about mental health

Another aspect of my life I want to focus on is my mental health. This is another subject I find people don’t talk about, like money, and I want to change that in my life. I want to speak out and be an advocate for better care and de-stigmatisation in the ways I can. This feel really important for me this year.

For the last few months I have felt myself struggling more and more even though everything was feeling really good with work and home. I knew something was wrong and have been working ever since to find out what and I think it was the reduced amount of contact with friends that I hadn’t realised was happening. I’ve been very focused on my job and I love it, but I do need to make the time for proper self care, beyond going to therapy every week. There are other things I know are important to creating a healthy life and I have needed to remind myself of them recently, which is why it feels important to take stock at the the start of the year. I’m not looking to track any of this or make goals out of it, but rather for it to serve as a reminder to myself of what I need to do and let others know someone else is working on this too.

I’m not a mental health expert (disclaimer!) and so I am just sharing my story so that more people are talking about it. There is no right way to support mental health, you have to find what works for you. It might change along the way too and that’s okay. Last year was about letting go of my belief in diets and focus on creating a non judgmental relationship with food. I had to let go of something I’ve held on to as a support mechanism for so long. It’s not been easy, but I have felt so much better for it.

So my plan for the foreseeable future is focus on the following things:

Go to therapy

This has played important part of my life for the last year and I am going to continue to make time and put money towards this. In time I may be able to talk to others about the things that I talk about in therapy, however right now I working through long standing, deeply embedded beliefs that are causing pain.

Focus on self care

These are the other aspects of my life that I think are important to my mental health. Before last year I would have focused on the first two alone, but they are only part of the story. Our lives are made up of so many moments that we need to make them count and saying no is just as important as saying yes.

  • Eat well and what I want
  • Stay active through fun ways
  • Dress how I like and makes me good
  • Feel good and even sexy in makeup
  • See friends regularly and suggest to do things
  • Say no without guilt and apology

I am also thinking about volunteering for an organisation that supports mental health like Samaritans or Mind. This would be a commitment and I would not enter it lightly, which is why I am going to take more time to consider it and look into properly before taking it on. I would like to give back in some way and this sounds like a way to help people, but also the organisations that talk about mental health openly.

I feel quite passionate about this for this year. Depression has been part of my life for probably longer than I realise and although it sucks, I’ve been learning to deal with it. When I get complacent it reminds me and I learn to catch it quicker than before. I want to help others and let people know they can live amazingly fulfilling lives even with depression creeping around. I’ve found ways to fight it and I want to help others do the same.

Winter Blues

Yeah, so I’m ready for January to be be here already.

I’m really struggling at the moment and since November I’ve been all over the place emotionally. I’ve been doing really well at work and focused on my mental health around dieting and food, but other things have snuck up on me and caught me off guard. My doctor passed away and he was the one who listened and looked beyond my weight. Then a colleague passed away and that was a shock. Then there are some stupid things going on within my family that no one wants to have a proper discussion about as it ends in arguments.It’s all built up to a point where a feel really overwhelmed.

It’s felt really sucky (totally a professionally recognised term!) and having had to miss two weeks of therapy also has not helped. I’ve found it difficult to talk about as it just feels like I’m complaining and people try to fix it by telling me to ignore it of care less – not helpful! I am an overthinker and need to process my thoughts to move past them. Ignoring my feelings leads to binge eating as it’s the only way I know how to cope.

I’ve also been super tired. I am wondering if I am experiencing a stronger case of SAD then in previous years, especially as I stopped my medication towards the end of last year and maybe the darkness and weather is also taking it toll. I am in the office or inside working more than before as I really love my job and want to do more than expected. However that does mean I am sacrificing being active and this is something I need to rectify.

I have been doing breathing exercises as this is something my therapist is keen on this and I do find it really works, but I struggle to remember to think to do it in the moment and only after or when I’m in bed do I actually focus and relax. My thoughts totally wander all over the place, but it’s okay and I bring myself back to my body and how I’m really feeling. Sometimes it feels okay, other times my body is crying out for attention and the acknowledgment of aches and pains is needed. It really does work and also helps me to step away from my worries.

The big worry I just cannot seem to get away from is that I am not looking forward to Christmas at all. I would love to stay at home all day and have a duvet day rather than face being social with my family. It feels selfish to say that, but I am really anxious about the whole thing. I don’t think any of come away from forced gatherings feeling good about ourselves. I find myself slipping in the child/teenager persona and I hate it. I hate who I becomes and how I let them make me feel. One on one they are great, but together we do not fit. I am not who they want me to be and I feel resentful for them not wanting me to be myself (this may be perceived, but it’s how I feel).  I know I’m over thinking and my focus is on setting boundaries and making sure they do not expect me to be there the whole time. I am going to go for lunch and leave when I want to after. I know I’m making a bigger deal of this than I need to, but it is at front of mind and no one seems to understand.

I’m also feeling lonely for the first time in long time. Maybe it’s my friends all getting married. Maybe it’s hitting 32 in January and still not having met anyone I want to spend my life with. Maybe it’s just time for me to starting looking rather than waiting. It’s odd and I don’t like it. I’ve always been independent and joked I would do a christmas card like the one below as I find it so funny, but if I’m truly honest I don’t want that to be forever. But then part of me says ‘fuck that’ I’m independent and selfish and it means I can do whatever I want!

I am so ready for January. I am glad I am working over Christmas so I have something to focus on. Next year I am definitely going away. Maybe with friends, maybe on my own. All I know is that I need to do something different next year. I don’t have all the answers when it comes to depression and it definitely catches me off guard sometimes, but I know and believe it is only temporary. I just need to do everything I know works to get through this period of time. Expressing my feelings is something I find I can only do in writing. I’m not looking for suggestions or advice, I’m just looking for a place to share my thoughts and hopefully let someone else know they are not alone as I know what that feels like and it still gets to me now, even when I know it is not true.

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