Tag Archives: Career

A case of impostor syndrome

impostor syndrome

Source

These last couple of months I have been having a serious case of impostor syndrome. It refers to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalise their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud” (source).  This is exactly how I’ve been feeling, although I don’t necessarily put myself in the same boat as the people I consider to be ‘high-achieving’, but rather as someone who is driven to do the best I can in any situation.

Since moving jobs within my organisation it’s been a great step up in work and responsibility. At the same time I keep having this sense that I could be doing more or better and that some day someone is going to call me out on this. I have no evidence for this though. I’ve been getting great feedback on all the work I’m doing from those people I now work with and my old team who see me around.

It is a weird sensation to feel this way. I keep looking for evidence to prove it correct, rather than believe the evidence that says it is false. This is something I know stems from depression ways of thinking. I talked about this when I was doing CBT therapy. I even did an experiment to look at this way of thinking. It all comes back to the simple thought of ‘Im not good enough’ . It’s made me realise I need to take time to tackle this and not ignore it because I’m busy. These are very destructive thoughts and unhelpful to life I want to live.

I’ve been reading up on the subject and taking inspiration from famous women who have spoken out on the topic, such as Emma Watson. It’s important to speak out on the subject as others can take heart they are not alone. This has led me to look more at the topics of feminism and body positivity. It’s opening a whole new world to me and inspiring me to think differently about myself and how I let other people treat me and make me feel. It’s quite freeing. I’m going to continue to look at these topics and find inspiration in new areas, rather than focus on diet and fitness.

Life Lately – Autumn Edition

I’ve been quiet on the blog for a while. I’ve sat down a few times to write something, but nothing felt right, so I let myself be quiet and focus on other things.

It has been busy though; so busy that it’s time to make sure I take a break. I’ve had the odd day here and there where I have hibernated away and not left the house. I’ve been dwelling on things too. Always things I don’t have any control over and therefore have no need to worry about, and yet I do.

I’ve been being super hard on myself and after what I was calling a ‘rubbish run’ last week, my friend Sonia said straight to my face; ‘STOP! Stop being so hard on yourself!’ It was exactly what I needed to hear. I was so happy someone said it to me. No one ever has really, at least not in those simple, straight, no-fuss words.

It really made me thinking. Sure it was focused on my attitude when thinking about running progress, but it applies to all aspects of my life. I am super hard on myself all the time. I put pressure and expectations on myself that are only coming from my own thoughts. If anyone else was saying these things to me I would tell them to ‘f*** off’, but I let myself treat myself this way. I’ve decided to focus on this and shift things to take the pressure off and that includes how I talk to myself inside my head.

There have been lots of good things happening and that is what I am going to focus on today!

New Job – I’ll be starting anew job at the beginning of November. I spent pretty much the whole of September in interview mode and it was exhausting. I had three interviews in three weeks and learnt a lot; so that by the time I got offered the job I really wanted I had some great practice. Now it is all about tidying up and finishing off my current work and leaving it in a great place for whoever takes my place.

Holidays – I’ve booked three holidays in the last few weeks. Firstly I’ve booked a skiing trip to Austria as celebration of my new job. A trip to Japan with my mum later next year, which will be the first big trip I’ve done in a while. Thirdly I’ve booked a walking trip around Mt Blanc for 2017! I’m so excited by these as they have been on my list for so long and I cannot wait. It also gives me something to look forward to over the next couple of years and to get fit for.

Swimming and Running – These are the things I’ve been struggling with a little bit, running especially. I feel like I’m starting again with both as I’ve hurt my shoulder during my big swim and running just plain hurts. This is where I really need to go easy on myself and do it because I enjoy it rather than force myself to because I think I should. So I’m changing my approach and taking the pressure off.

TV Obsessions – I’ve been watching The X-Files from the beginning and I love it. I can’t believe how creepy some of the episodes are and I remember watching them late at night when I was in secondary school!  Also Doctor Who has started again on TV and I love it. I am such a binge watcher of TV shows. I’m so impatient when it comes to having to wait for the next episode nowadays. I used to re-watch episodes of Buffy and Angel until the next episode aired, but now I just find something else to get hooked on!

Back to the books – I treated myself to some new books this month as I miss the feel of a good book and also going to a bookshop to buy them. So I also did that – actually went and wandered around a bookshop having a good browse before buying anything. I wish there was a bigger bookshop near me though so I could disappear into the stacks and spend a whole day there if I wanted.

Kitty Cats – my cats have been living it up with some sunny weather in the garden and also catching all the spiders that try to come into the house.  I’m also enjoying that they are becoming a bit more affectionate and Pippin now walks across my lap. Neither of them will sit on my lap without being held there, but I’ll train them to love it. I’m starting to look what I can get them for Christmas. I want something they can play with when I’m not there, but that won’t get pulled apart and then lost when I’m not there. I’m still looking for ping pong ball that they have made disappear!

Other Upcoming Excitements:

  • Visiting friends in Cardiff
  • Harry Potter Halloween
  • Brussels for the Christmas market

Overall life is great and focusing on what makes me happy and brings me joy is the way forward. We all have to deal with the crap times, but it’s how we overcome those times and our thoughts about them that matter. A lot of my negative thinking is learned and I was to teach myself new, better ways to think about things. I realised at the weekend when catching up with my parents that several things that I used to do and think do not sit right with me anymore and that is okay. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as it’s none of my business, but it does matter what I think about myself.

Volunteering at the Stonehenge Solstice

On Friday night I was volunteering with work at the Stonehenge Summer Solstice and it was a fun night. I was only there from 5pm to 11pm, but I got to see the sunset and meet some very interesting people. I am going to do this again and stay for the sunrise next time as it would have been great to go down to the stones and get to go in amongst them at one of the only times you are allowed to do so.

IMG_2554 IMG_2557 IMG_2560 IMG_2562 IMG_2566 IMG_2576 IMG_2577 IMG_2586 IMG_2587 IMG_2590 IMG_2591 IMG_2597 IMG_2599 IMG_2600 IMG_2610 IMG_2614 IMG_2615 IMG_2622 IMG_2629 IMG_2637 IMG_2636 IMG_2642 IMG_2643 IMG_2652 IMG_2656

29 by 29 Update 11

I’m very late with this one! It slipped through my reminder net as I’ve been working on something for next year to replace this. I love planning so much that I forget about what I’m already doing. I really think Project Management is my career path!

  1. Move into my own place – Complete!
  2. Adopt a cat – I have been toing and froing about this all year. I would love to get a pet, but as I’ve never had anything more than a guinea pig and even then I didn’t take car of it, I feel a bit lost about everything that would be expected of me. I’m going to let myself settle in my new job and then next year decide.
  3. Do a Super Sprint Triathlon – 200m swim, 20km bike, 2.5km run – Complete!
  4. Take part in running club events and volunteer to help when I can’t take part
    1. High Worth 5 = 54:50
    2. Broad Town 5 = 57:14
    3. July = 8 miles
    4. August = 9 miles
    5. September = Tough Mudder 12 mile obstacle course
    6. October = Cardiff Half Marathon 2 hrs 41 mins
    7. November = Swimming Club Champs
    8. November to December = Triathlon Section Swim Sessions
    9. December = 10km Bromham Pudding Run
    10. December = Christmas Lights Run
  5. Do the Parkrun once a month and volunteer as a marshall
    1. January = 38:19
    2. February = 34:40
    3. March = 34:42
    4. April = 33:51
    5. May = Triathlon (Broken Toe) and 5km Race for Life 36:42
    6. I lost momentum with running after I broke my toe and then signed up for hte half marathon, so I’m making this a priority for next year.
  6. Bake more bread – Baked a sourdough in August and recieved a bread book as a gift from the lovely Steph and Luke, and now have started using this! I’m aslo making bread for Christmas Day!
  7. Complete the CBT Journal for Dummies – Got side tracked with the move and getting proper CBT therapist.
  8. Read more classic books as part of my 2013 reading challenge – audiobooks have taken over and reading books I’d already bought, so this hasn’t happened as planned.
  9. Stick to my budget and save for holidays and house things – doing better at this and have plans to make this easier.
  10. Take a bike maintenance course – went to Origin Cycles to learn how to change a tyre and will keep trying to learn bits and pieces over time – Complete
  11. Join a WW meeting and work towards goal – decided to do this in May
  12. Blog – maybe a redesign  – Complete!
  13. Plan budget friendly trips  – exploring locally 🙂
  14. Try acupuncture – I would still love to try this but cannot justify the cost.
  15. Keep working to create and maintain good mental health – Working on this and it has really become an important aspect of my life 🙂
  16. Join a coffee club
    1. Made this a reward for WW goals
    2. Also bought Kopi nas a present for my Dad, who has given it to me
    3. Signed up to HasBean for a monthly delivery
  17. Take part in the Masters galas and club championships
    1. February Gala – 2 Golds and 2 Silvers!
    2. July Gala – 2 Golds and 2 Silvers – 2nd Woman in League!
    3. October Gala – 1 silver and 4 bronze
    4. Overall 3rd Female Under 40 in Wiltshire!
    5. Set new base lines at the Club Champs
  18. Work out savings plan for trip to Japan – this is on hold 🙁
  19. Catch up on Greys Anatomy – almost finished season 9 but have watched Castle, Dextor, Doctor Who, The Walking Dead and Once Upon a Time.
  20. Get regular haircuts – just book a new one every time
  21. Move forward with my life and make new friends – making work friends and at running club
  22. Do my best at my new job
    1. Making my password mantras as have to type them in multiple times day
    2. Having a rethink about what I want to do longer term
    3. Commute is getting harder so looking for opportunities closer to home
    4. Started new job in November and really like it.
  23. Keep my commute healthy – Reduced commute from 45 miles each way to 5!
  24. Listen to Harry Potter audiobooks – Complete!
  25. Get rid of stuff I no longer need when I move – Complete!
  26. Use the mantra ‘F**k It’ – using this everyday
  27. Take up pilates or yoga – started Body Balance at my gym in September
  28. Create photo albums for all my trips – haven’t had chance
  29. Try two new recipes a month from my cook books
    1. March –
      1. Chicken & Bacon bake
      2. Proper poached eggs
    2. April
      1. Beef Chilli
      2. Pancakes
    3. May
      1. Braised Leeks and Rainbow Kale
      2. Salmon poached with lemon
    4. June
      1. Tasty scrambled eggs
      2. Biscotti
    5. July
      1. Lemon Fairy Cakes
      2. Fruity Sponge
    6. August
      1. Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls
      2. Sourdough Bread
    7. September – struggled this month with Tough Mudder and Half Marathon
    8. October
      1. Peanut Butter Cookies
      2. Chocolate Banana Chip Cookies
    9. November – didn’t do much this last month

I’m really happy with how this has been going. I’m not going to do everything I set out to do, but I’ve focused on the ones I wanted to do and have achieved them. I also did things this year I never thought I would so I have definitely achieved a 29 by 29 list even if it doesn’t look like the one above exactly!

29 by 29 Update 9

On time this month!

  1. Move into my own place – Complete!
  2. Adopt a cat – I think I will do this after Christmas once I’m settled into my new job closer to home
  3. Do a Super Sprint Triathlon – 200m swim, 20km bike, 2.5km run – Complete!
  4. Take part in running club events and volunteer to help when I can’t take part
    1. High Worth 5 = 54:50
    2. Broad Town 5 = 57:14
    3. July = 8 miles
    4. August = 9 miles
    5. September = Tough Mudder 12 mile obstacle course
    6. October = Cardiff Half Marathon 2 hrs 41 mins
  5. Do the Parkrun once a month and volunteer as a marshall
    1. January = 38:19
    2. February = 34:40
    3. March = 34:42
    4. April = 33:51
    5. May = Triathlon (Broken Toe) and 5km Race for Life 36:42
    6. June = Broad Town 5
    7. Get back to in October
  6. Bake more bread – Baked a sourdough in August and recived a bread book as a gift from the lovely Steph and Luke, so now just need to get flour!
  7. Complete the CBT Journal for Dummies – Got delayed with the move and getting proper CBT therapist, but will pick up again soon
  8. Read more classic books as part of my 2013 reading challenge – audiobooks have taken over and reading books I’d already bought, so this hasn’t happened as planned.
  9. Stick to my budget and save for holidays and house things – doing better at this and have plans to make this easier.
  10. Take a bike maintenance course – went to Origin Cycles to learn how to change a tyre and will keep trying to learn bits and pieces over time – Complete
  11. Join a WW meeting and work towards goal – decided to do this in May
  12. Blog – maybe a redesign  – Complete!
  13. Plan budget friendly trips  – exploring locally 🙂
  14. Try acupuncture – I’m back at sports therapy as I know it works, but would love to try this next year.
  15. Keep working to create and maintain good mental health – Working on this and it has really become an important aspect of my life 🙂
  16. Join a coffee club
    1. Made this a reward for WW goals
    2. Also bought Kopi nas a present for my Dad, who has given it to me
    3. Signed up to HasBean for a monthly delivery
  17. Take part in the Masters galas and club championships
    1. February Gala – 2 Golds and 2 Silvers!
    2. July Gala – 2 Golds and 2 Silvers – 2nd Woman in League!
    3. October Gala – 1 silver and 4 bronze
    4. Overall 3rd Female Under 40 in Wiltshire!
  18. Work out savings plan for trip to Japan – this is on hold 🙁
  19. Catch up on Greys Anatomy – not yet, but have watched Castle, Dextor, Doctor Who, The Walking Dead and Once Upon a Time
  20. Get regular haircuts – Going well 🙂
  21. Move forward with my life and make new friends – making work friends and at running club
  22. Do my best at my new job
    1. Making my password mantras as have to type them in multiple times day
    2. Having a rethink about what I want to do longer term
    3. Commute is getting harder so looking for opportunities closer to home
    4. Currently applying and interviewing for new roles
    5. New job starting in November closer to home!
  23. Keep my commute healthy – Reducing commute from 45 miles each way to 5!
  24. Listen to Harry Potter audiobooks – Complete!
  25. Get rid of stuff I no longer need when I move – Complete!
  26. Use the mantra ‘F**k It’ – using this everyday
  27. Take up pilates or yoga – going to start Body Balance at my gym
  28. Create photo albums for all my trips – need to do this
  29. Try two new recipes a month from my cook books
    1. March –
      1. Chicken & Bacon bake
      2. Proper poached eggs
    2. April
      1. Beef Chilli
      2. Pancakes
    3. May
      1. Braised Leeks and Rainbow Kale
      2. Salmon poached with lemon
    4. June
      1. Tasty scrambled eggs
      2. Biscotti
    5. July
      1. Lemon Fairy Cakes
      2. Fruity Sponge
    6. August
      1. Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls
      2. Sourdough Bread
    7. September – struggled this month with Tough Mudder and Half Marathon

Overall it’s a been a busy month for me. I’ve achieved a lot so far this year and will be changing jobs next month to work closer to home. I am hopeful this is the right decision and will aim to do well. I will also be continuing with my CBT work and feel it is making a difference. Winter is coming and I plan to get back to normal running and swimming and to lose weight so I can hit 2014 running and part way towards my triathlon goal for the year!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...