This week I’ve felt very lonely and have been using food to fill the hole that is opening up.
I’m don’t normally feel lonely like this. I like being on my own. I like being independent and live to my own routine and schedule. But this week something has been missing.
I think this something has been missing for a while if I want to be truly honest with myself. I’m not the most social person, but I get out to running club and swimming club and socialise. But I don’t hang out with anyone. I haven’t been to the cinema or grabbed a coffee with anyone who isn’t family in too long. I look at my phone and wonder who I could call, but the people who spring to mind I’ve pushed away. It’s not all my fault, but I have to take responsibility for my part.
The last year has been like hell for me. I only feel things are starting to look up in the last few months. I got a new job and moved into my own house. But there is something missing that I have been trying to ignore or tell myself I don’t need, but I do.
I think the worst part is I don’t know how to fill the hole. I’ve used food this week and it just makes me feel worse as I goes against the plan I for myself. I need to take small steps to develop new friendships. It’s going to be hard, but I need to force myself to do them so I don’t sink back to a place where I can’t climb out of.
So I have a plan
I’ve signed up for two 5 mile club events in April and June. These are two local events and I plan to go with the running club and go with the flow by getting a lift with someone and hanging out after.
I have also signed up for a Triathlon in May! This is organised by one of the running club captains, so I will use this as a way to get to know them and volunteer to help with other events they run.
The little things I want to do is get out of the house and go for coffee more often. I reduced it due to budget, but I realise that it is a nice way of bumping into people in my local town so I will get back to doing this. I will also go for coffee after the Parkrun next month as a few of the running club members meet after and chat, so I will make it my mission to do that.
I don’t want to overdo it, so having these plans in place makes me happier. It doesn’t help with the feeling I have right now, but I will be strong and get out of the house.
I think the thing we forget when we lonely is that everyone else feels it at some point too. It’s easy to feel like I’m the only one out there that knows what it feels like, but logically I know it’s not true.
I wonder if loneliness is the source of my issues with food. I always binge eat alone. I don’t like eating in front of other people and I always think about what I can eat when no one is around. The feeling of shame is brought up a lot. Guilt and shame are feelings I have come to know too well. They almost feel normal, which is horrible to admit. When I think about being lonely I feel ashamed and that is worrying and scary. I somehow feel like I’ve failed. Like I’ve failed at life somehow. Unable to let people in and hold on to them. I wonder what type of person I am who does this. Not a nice thought path to go down I can tell you!
I think this is coming to the surface as I’ve been doing a lot of CBT work with my therapist. It’s not permanent as it’s on the NHS, but I’m glad I’m doing it. I think I will need to get a private therapist after as I think I need someone to talk to without worrying if I make sense or about what I am saying. I like just being honest with someone. There aren’t many people I can be like that with.
So I’m admitting I’m lonely, but I am going to do little things to improve it and make it part of developing the me I want to be