I normally have the title for my posts before I have written them. But for this post I could not think of what I wanted to call it only that I wanted to say something. So as I am writing this WordPress has called this page 4052
I have been thinking more about self sabotage since my post earlier this week. Guilt is the hardest feeling for me to deal with. I can feel guilty about everything! But why? Many times I have nothing to feel guilty about, I just do as I can’t make some event or get together or that I don’t want to do something. I also try to do too much sometimes and then feel guilty for not taking care of myself.
Guilt is useless though. If it inspired action then I could understand it, but it really doesn’t! It’s horrible and encourages inaction and self-loathing. The one thing it is making me do it question it though. When I start to feel guilty I have started having a conversation with myself. It feel weird, but it does help.
The main thing I keep coming back to at the moment is how different my life is compared to my oldest friends. The comparisons are pointless and I love them for who they are and I hope in return they love me for me. Those who don’t aren’t worth it, its just harder in reality.
I’ve been thinking about my current motivations and they all involve fitness to some degree. I’ve upped my swimming to 4/5 times a week. I just started back at bootcamp, which I’ll post about in full later this month. I have also today signed up for the Up & Running 5km Course which starts in June. I am doing all these things for me before I enjoy doing them and also enjoy spending time with the other people who do them.
I feel guilty at the moment because I have to say no to a lot of things with friends. But then I look at all the things I am doing with other friends and I enjoy those so much. I get the motivation and encouragement I need to live the life I want to live from the people I meet at activities that I cannot and will not give that up.
Then I feel guilty for thinking I am being selfish. Its a cycle I really want to break!
But now I have a title for this post
I think I am trying to justify my lifestyle to myself as I seem to keep having to do it for other people, which makes me question myself and therefore try to justify myself again. Another endless cycle I am stuck in.
This also shows me where I am still struggling with self-esteem, which sucks.
Following on my random post the other day I decided to look at my goals in more detail and make them SMART.
I also looked at whether they are short, medium or long term goals. I have 4 goals:
- Monthly Exercise Planner – Short Term
- Studying – Medium Term
- Lose weight – Long Term
- Swim 10 km- Long Term
- S – Steps, Activity, Exercise Session, Calorie Deficit per day
- M – All measured by my Ki Fit
- A – Makes me focus on taking one day at a time
- R – It is relevant to my everyday life through feelings and behaviours.
- T – Daily Focus with Monthly Averages to meet my goals
- S – CIMA Business and Accounting and IEMA Mentoring
- M – 5 Modules split into Study Chapters
- A – Organised study sessions to meet number of chapters
- R – Will increase my knowledge and expand my CV
- T – To complete by end of 2012 – 7 Weeks per Module
- S – Lose 60lbs to reach a weight of 175lbs
- M- Weekly Weigh-ins
- A – Yes, I have reached this weight before
- R – It will make me fitter and help with swimming and in turn my depression
- T – One pound a week = 60 weeks – 14th June 2013
Swim a 10km Open Water Event
- S – Swim a 10km open Water Event – New Fitness Challenge
- M – Distance in Weekly Swim Sessions/Open Water Swims
- A – Keep Swimming and Lose Weight
- R – I like to have a fitness challenge to work towards
- T – Before I’m 30 – either the summer of 2013 or the summer of 2014
I have also decided to make sure I reward myself for completing my goals. My monthly goals will continue with smaller rewards such as new clothes or gadgets. But I am setting myself big rewards for my medium and long term goals – HOLIDAYS!
- Study – A trip in Europe.
- Lose Weight – Japan!
- Swim a 10km Swim – A relaxing break somewhere hot!
I feel all my goals link together in some ways. The short term goals help take the focus off the longer term goals, but directly influence how I do with them. The studying makes sure I focus on something completely different to the fitness and weight. This is basically where I want to be in a years time. I am also not putting too much pressure on myself with regards to time, which will help me to not beat myself up if a week or month goes out of my control.
I am putting things back into my control. I can control what I eat. I can control what I do with my time, whether that is working out, studying on having me time. I can also control how flexible I am and what I let stress me out. I can decide what is worth my time.
I am feeling good. A little daunted now that it is in writing. A little scared as well. But determined. I want to achieve these goals. I believe the benefits outweigh the negatives.
These will be my adventures for the next year. This is where my blog will be going.
Today I felt angry!
I haven’t felt angry in a long time. I used to just slip into not caring or sadness. I used to blame it all on myself. I stopped feeling angry about anything.
Today I felt anger again. I’m not going to go into details as it was to do with work.
I am angry writing this but it’s okay. I am letting myself feel the anger.
It’s weird as I am very much feeling a mix of different things. Hurt. Shame. Determined. Spiteful. Happy. A very weird mix. But I’m not hiding from it. I am letting myself feel it and slide away.
It is making me want to make decisions that I have been putting off making. I want to be the bigger person, but I also want to show them what they think doesn’t matter to me. It was the way it was handled. I want to show them I can move on will continue to do better and better on my terms.
Then comes the fear. Not anxiety like it used to be but nervous. Excited. Ready for change. Growing!
So what did I do different to handle it this time?
I got on with my work.
I went for a walk.
I treated myself to a skinny vanilla latte.
I felt the anger.
I didn’t sink or turn to food
Time to move on in more ways than one!
This last week myself and Sian got our own place – finally moving out of the parents houses
We now live in a lovely flat, which between us have managed to kit out fully. We only had to buy essentials, like martini glasses and an activfry
The kitchen is now decked out with purple everything – toaster to bread bin!
What sold the place for us was the balcony on the lounge! We love it
I also love my bedroom – here it is as I moved in.
And here it is now that I have fully moved in and unpacked!
This last week has been crazy!
On my return from my trip my friend Sian and I decided to start looking for a flat to share so we signed up for some viewings. Then of course we found one we liked, even though originally we planned not to move until April!
The flat was available straight away so all we had to wait for was out reference checks. They came through last Friday and we got the keys on Saturday!
The last 3 days have been all about moving!
I think I done at least a hundred trips to and from car at my parents house and my new place! I am impressed with the amount of calories moving burned over the last 3 days
Last night was the first night I stayed at the new place as I wanted a few things from home before I stayed but that required getting a van from my Dad’s work.
But now I am pretty much all moved in – just my books which I’ll pick up now
It feels great to be out of my parents house and have a place to call mine. Its also nice to be sharing as it halves all the bills and also more fun than living alone
I’ve taken some photos and will post them when I have finished setting up my room