Everyone will have a different experience with depression. It manifests itself in so many different ways it can be hard to know what is really depression or not. It’s confusing and frustrating.
Depression often lies, but at the same time I find it makes me face some hard truths that need to faced to move forward.
I wanted to share my experience. I find the more I talk about it the easier it becomes to be aware of it. It becomes less scary. It becomes easier to name and take action to feel different (I will not say better as it is not always better). I want to continue to share my experience to show it can happen to anyone and that there is no shame in speaking out.
This is my experience currently:
- Tired – ALL THE TIME!
- Food is my best friend and my worst enemy
- I feel like an impostor in most things I do
- Fear of people I know (not really of strangers)
- I cannot multi-task – everything take effort
- I feel abandoned and left out (shout about my independence)
- Procrastination is prominent, even though I know its unhelpful
- Therapy is hard, but beneficial
- It’s fucking annoying when people want to fix you
- You can still live a normal life on the outside
I decided to have a bit of blog break as I couldn’t find my motivation to write posts for a while. I felt I had nothing to say on this platform. I felt other people were saying exactly what I wanted to in better ways. So I focused on sharing what I was reading on Twitter.
This has been great as I felt I connected a bit more on Twitter by commenting and replying to posts.
I think I’ve been more conscious of how I use my time and how I want to articulate my thoughts.
I don’t think of myself as a blogger. Yes, I have a blog, but I don’t use it for anything other than recording and sharing my own thoughts. I don’t want it to be anything more than that really. I’ve been following some new-to-me bloggers and vloggers and I think I got a little bored. So many have similar content. The ones I love have their own rules and niche. They are interesting and insightful. I don’t think I’m one of those either, but if I was aiming for anything it would be to be talking about the things that matter to me.
So I’ve taken the pressure off myself and that has felt nice. I feel like I do want to keep blogging though. I’m just not going to set a schedule. When I think I want to say or share something I will. I’m not going to worry about photos or length. I am just going to focus on what I want to say.
I want to talk about depression and mental health.
I want to share my opinions and show my thought process.
I want to share photos of my cats, coffee, and yummy food.
I want to have a space to express myself as myself.
So that is what I’m going to do.
I’ve not posted for a while. I’m not sure why. I had a plan for the month of June, but didn’t get around to writing anything. Even my bullet journal fell by the way side.
I think I just needed to put this on pause for while.
I’ve been working through some quite tough things in therapy, gone back on medication, and been super busy in work, it’s felt like something had to give a little.
I have got back into to fitness though and that’s been helped by going with a couple of friends making it social and fun.
Taking care of ourselves is not always easy and right now is taking a lot of focus and time. It is worth it and taking steps to develop my self love and body positivity are key.
I’m bound to be back to blogging when it feels right, I just don’t know when that might be. I’ll always be on twitter and Instagram though so find me there!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my budget recently and where I spend my money. I let money control me last year and therefore made some awful decisions and overspent. This year I am taking back control to pay off my credit card and set up an emergency fund. At the same time I have been looking at my habits to see where I feel I waste money just because I have it in my account. It’s got me thinking about my attitude with money and is helping me understand why I place value on certain things over others.
This is where cost versus convenience comes into it.
There are a number of products I spend money on each month that I can definitely do for less money if I really wanted to. However the convenience of the products plays a massive part in why I value them.
- Poopy Cat Litter Trays – I get these delivered every month to my door and they are fully disposable and made from recycled materials. The only downside is that my recycling collection will not take them as garden waste. These are super convenient as it takes me less than 5 minutes to change each week and the waste can be flushed down the toilet. This saves me so much time each week I find the benefits outweigh the costs at the moment. If the cost of the litter trays increase I will have to reconsider though.
- Mindful Chef Boxes – I get these delivered most weeks and they contain 3 meals with all the ingredients I need. I’ve always had a troubled relationship with food and this box has helped me not only improve my relationship with food, but also my cooking skills. I know I can cook all the recipes I receive in the box with ingredients from a supermarket, but making the time to be organised enough to do that has been a stumbling block as meal planning and diet mentality are a major trigger. This is super convenient for me as without it I fall into unhealthy eating habits.
- Cleaner – Last year I decided to get a cleaner and it was one of the best decision I’ve made. It has meant I can focus on my job and enjoying my free time, rather than stressing about making the time to clean. I absolutely hate cleaning, but I also hate living in dirt, so this works. With working away more in my new role it has meant I can really come home and relax and that is worth the cost.
- Beauty Therapist – Getting my legs waxed each month started because I was doing so much swimming and found I rarely showered at home, making it difficult to keep up with shaving. So going to see someone each month made the world of sense. I’ll admit I’m debating it at the moment as I do less swimming, but the amount of time I save by doing this for 30-45 each month rather than several times a week still makes it worth it.
- Therapy – This is a huge cost for me at the moment, but it has to be done. I probably could search for a cheaper option, but being about to build trust and talk about eating disorders with someone is what I needed. Being able to FaceTime is also hugely important to me.
These are all luxuries and I am very lucky in being able to afford them. They are also my choices and I’ve been having to remind myself of my reasons why I spend money on what I do recently. Convenience is a huge part of that of the choices I make as the time we have is also valuable and I want to spend it doing things I love. I want to travel and move to a new city in the not to distant future, but there are some things I need to do now to help make that happen. My attitude towards money needs to shift a bit to help with this though. That is what I need to work on now.
There are still some spending habits I would like to tackle so that I can do more things. After decluttering I know I do not need more things, so it is all about enabling myself to have experiences and adventures. I have since decided to add an additional goal to this year in terms of changing my attitude – I want to have money left in my account at the end of each month, not just what I put in savings accounts.
Some posts are really easy to write and other are not at all. This one is definitely the latter and it’s quite frustrating as I’ve been openly talking about mental health and my personal mental health for a while. So why does it feel so hard to say ‘I’m not doing okay right now’?
I went back to the doctor this month to ask to go back on anti-depressants. I should have gone back a while ago, but made many excuses not to until I couldn’t think of any other way to help myself. I also felt a lot of shame and guilt for needing to and that is the most frustrating part and I would not put that on anyone else at all. But that is part of what made me realised I’m not doing so well right now.
- My negative internal voice is up at full volume.
- I’m not sleeping well at all.
- I don’t find joy in so many things.
- I struggle to put my energy into social activities.
- I’ve stopped exercising.
- I am eating so much convenience food.
- I’ve put on weight (I can tell from my clothes).
- I’ve been avoiding family.
- I feel tired and low all the time.
- I’ve lost my concentration for reading and movies.
But at the same time I have been doing so much to keep myself going and functional
- I’m doing weekly therapy sessions.
- I’m bullet journalling.
- I’m talking to close friends and family.
- I’m enjoying my job.
In some ways then I am more than okay. At work I am thriving and love being challenged. But that is where all my energy goes and there is nothing left for taking care of myself or having a life outside of work. This won’t work long term.
So I asked to go back on anti-depressants as I know they will help me sleep. That in term will give me more energy to exercise and eat better, which is all part of taking care of myself. The activity I do like doing is with friends, which ups my social activities. The only side that feels hard is my family, where I just don’t feel like I fit in any more. My depression brain is sending all sorts of messages and at the moment, right now, they are too hard to untangle. I need some space and time to unravel my thoughts and find my place.
It’s a weird place to be right now. I don’t want anyone to treat me differently, but already see it happening with family and it sucks. It makes me feel I can’t be myself as depression me needs special treatment, which I don’t believe that to be true. I just want people to know I am trying, but I’m trying for me, not for anyone else. Don’t put pressure on me to conform. Don’t be offended if I say no. None of this is about you. It’s just me and that’s okay. I need to find my own way and I’ll ask for the help I need, don’t try to force it on me.
I don’t feel broken. I don’t need anyone to fix me.
My brain just isn’t quite working correctly at the moment and that’s okay.
I’m okay with not being okay.