It’s okay not to be okay

Some posts are really easy to write and other are not at all. This one is definitely the latter and it’s quite frustrating as I’ve been openly talking about mental health and my personal mental health for a while. So why does it feel so hard to say ‘I’m not doing okay right now’?

I went back to the doctor this month to ask to go back on anti-depressants. I should have gone back a while ago, but made many excuses not to until I couldn’t think of any other way to help myself.  I also felt a lot of shame and guilt for needing to and that is the most frustrating part and I would not put that on anyone else at all. But that is part of what made me realised I’m not doing so well right now.

  • My negative internal voice is up at full volume.
  • I’m not sleeping well at all.
  • I don’t find joy in so many things.
  • I struggle to put my energy into social activities.
  • I’ve stopped exercising.
  • I am eating so much convenience food.
  • I’ve put on weight (I can tell from my clothes).
  • I’ve been avoiding family.
  • I feel tired and low all the time.
  • I’ve lost my concentration for reading and movies.

But at the same time I have been doing so much to keep myself going and functional

  • I’m doing weekly therapy sessions.
  • I’m bullet journalling.
  • I’m talking to close friends and family.
  • I’m enjoying my job.

In some ways then I am more than okay. At work I am thriving and love being challenged. But that is where all my energy goes and there is nothing left for taking care of myself or having a life outside of work. This won’t work long term.

So I asked to go back on anti-depressants as I know they will help me sleep. That in term will give me more energy to exercise and eat better, which is all part of taking care of myself. The activity I do like doing is with friends, which ups my social activities. The only side that feels hard is my family, where I just don’t feel like I fit in any more. My depression brain is sending all sorts of messages and at the moment, right now, they are too hard to untangle. I need some space and time to unravel my thoughts and find my place.

It’s a weird place to be right now. I don’t want anyone to treat me differently, but already see it happening with family and it sucks. It makes me feel I can’t be myself as depression me needs special treatment, which I don’t believe that to be true. I just want people to know I am trying, but I’m trying for me, not for anyone else. Don’t put pressure on me to conform. Don’t be offended if I say no. None of this is about you. It’s just me and that’s okay. I need to find my own way and I’ll ask for the help I need, don’t try to force it on me.

I don’t feel broken. I don’t need anyone to fix me.

My brain just isn’t quite working correctly at the moment and that’s okay.

I’m okay with not being okay.

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