It’s only a rut

Mental health is not clear cut. It’s not an easy road back once you’ve been down in a pit and everyday it takes work and understanding of where you are right now. An understanding that everything is temporary. The worst feelings in the world fade over time.

Right now I’m in a rut. I feel rubbish; exhausted and bored. I am really demotivated, but at the same time I feel more productive than ever. I am getting things done, but I suppose it’s that I don’t feel a connection to those things that is really bothering me.

I also feel left behind. It is as though everyone is moving forward with their lives and I’m just stood still, awaiting something to push me forward.

I don’t want to wait any more. I want to move forward on my own terms.

Deep down I am afraid. Afraid of everything; the future; the present; to love; to let go; to push myself into the unknown and take risks. I’m terrified that this is my life. That there is nothing more I will achieve.

At the same time I know this is not true.

It’s interesting as I am not despairing like I did when I was in the bottomless pit of depression.  It is more of a call to action. I want to do things for me and not because I feel I should or because of other people.

I’ve been angry in the last week. Angry at the world. Angry at myself. Angry at everyone. Anger seems to spur me into action though. It has given me the courage to stand up for what I believe in. To question the way things are down. To question myself on the way I living my life right now.

I’ve felt extremely vulnerable, but it has been okay. I’ve been supported and listened to, not shunned and ignored like my worst fears told me I would be. I felt happy and excited. I felt sad and determined. I felt everything in the last week.

Mental health is all about your feelings. Knowing they are temporary and not letting a single one dictate your life. Using them to take action when needed, but also letting them wash over you when they are not helping. There is nothing wrong with how you feel in any situation and not can tell you what you feel.

Writing has been helping me recently. Rather than focusing on output such as books reviews or product posts or keeping thing light and happy, I’m sharing myself with my writing. I still don’t think of myself as a writer, but more of a sharer and by doing so hopefully helping other people to help them selves.

Mental health is personal and you have to find the tools that work for you. I have multiple tools and each work in different ways. I know the tool I need to bring back and quickly is proper vigorous activity. I need to sweat and get back heart pounding.

Onwards and forward!

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