Sometimes a whole week can go by and I can’t think of anything to write about. I usually have a burst of ideas at the weekend and then write them all and schedule them in. This last week I did not.
I thought about stopping my blog at the weekend.
Lots of things have been happening and I haven’t been able to process how I feel. I haven’t been able to communicate how I feel to those who want to help me. There have been changes at work that I first thought it wasn’t for me, then talking with my sister at the weekend, I have completely changed my mind and think this could be the opportunity I need to shift my career into something new without having to change careers. I’ve been working on my CBT and my work also came up. I just don’t get excited about it anymore. I don’t get excited about anything. I just feel stuck and hate it.
There has been one question going over and over in my mind – What Is Wrong With Me?
It’s a horrible question to be asking myself. I don’t know if I’m blocking the truth from myself or if I really don’t know. But the important thing (and worst thing) is that I think there is something wrong with me. If there was wasn’t I wouldn’t be depressed or sad. I would be able to be happy and get excited.
I don’t know how I pictured my life when I was small. I think I only pictured myself having a job that I enjoyed and allowed me to do everything I wanted to do. Simple really, but in reality a hard balance to find. I think I have a bit of direction now though.
Sometimes I think depression is okay, other times it sucks the joy out of everything. It’s like a dementor following me around, but I can’t always eat chocolate to ease the feelings it leaves behind – believe me I have tried that and it doesn’t work.