Depression Lies

It’s week has been and gone. It was my first full week in my new job. It was my birthday. It was tiring and contained a lot of information.

I haven’t felt my best all week. I’ve been okay at work because there has been lots to do and learn. But I have had this lost feeling all week. I think it is because its all new and I have gone from being the expert in my area in my last job, to a complete novice in my new job. The doubts are creeping and threatening to overwhelm.

It also doesn’t help I have my Chartered Environmentalist interview tomorrow. I knew I would get nervous, but I really feel like I don’t know anything. I feel unprepared. I know it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get chartered, but I will be extremely disappointed. I already I know I will blame myself for not doing enough.

The self doubt is the worst.

I then came across a blog post from Will Wheaton titled Depression Lies and know its true.

Depression is an illness. I feel it is an illness that doesn’t want you to get better. It tells you to stop everything, to give in to the despair, as that will make it better. When the truth is it won’t at all. Depression lies to you and you have to fight with all your strength sometimes not to be sucked into its lies.

I keep reminding myself of the work I have already done for the chartered status. I wouldn’t have gotten the interview without the work. The two essays I had to write we’re reviewed by people who believe I have the skills needed to become chartered. They wouldn’t have given me an interview if I didn’t meet the criteria. Therefore the interview is to cement that and prove I can think on my feet and can apply my knowledge.

It is the depression talking and telling me I’m not good enough. It lies.

My eating this week was good to start then slipped on my birthday and for the couple of days after. But I kept my exercise going and that helped a lot with sleeping. I lost 1.4lbs and reached my 5% goal on WeightWatchers! So my next goal is to lose a stone, which is 2lbs away. I’ve been using Myfitnesspal too and think that has helped as it takes my exercise into consideration, which I have never done on WeightWatchers. I think I need to get the balance better and make sure I eat enough and not burn out. It’s a work in progress, but it is progress nonetheless 🙂

I’m hoping the job will become clearer and I get used to the commute. In the meantime I will keep moving forward and do the best I can in the moment. I will try not to worry about what the future holds and focus on what I can do now and enjoy it.

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