Depression is exhausting. It’s not until you see the symptoms in black and white you realise how bad it is. It is also hard to talk to people about because it’s an isolating illness.
I’ve had a lot of the symptoms. The ones I’ve made bold I have experienced at times and bold/underlined ones are the worst and continuous symptoms.
This is from NHS Choices:
Psychological symptoms include:
- continuous low mood or sadness
- feeling hopeless and helpless
- having low self-esteem
- feeling tearful
- feeling guilt-ridden
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- having no motivation or interest in things
- finding it difficult to make decisions
- not getting any enjoyment out of life
- having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
- feeling anxious or worried
Physical symptoms include:
- Moving or speaking more slowly than usual
- change in appetite or weight
- unexplained aches and pains
- lack of energy or lack of interest in sex
- changes to your menstrual cycle
- disturbed sleep
Social symptoms include:
- not doing well at work
- taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
- neglecting your hobbies and interests
- having difficulties in your home and family life
I wish I could talk to my friends about this but depression makes it hard to engage. When no one gets in contact with me I blame it on myself and assume they don’t want to see me (or worse that they no longer like me). I then can’t reach out for fear of being rejected. Rejection is probably my worst fear right now. It would confirm all my unhelpful thoughts about myself and I don’t know how I would cope. I can’t cope with more than one or two people, more than that is too much and I struggle to focus. So I don’t reach out or engage.
I’ve been strong for most of my life and now I can’t be. I don’t have the energy to be strong right now. I don’t think that that means I’m weak. I think it means I need help with life.
I wish someone would reach out to me and want to spend time with me as I am. I might not be able to talk, but I would be happy to listen. I might not come across as happy, but I would be better getting out of the house. I wish I could say this to people directly. I wish I show my vulnerability, but I’m afraid. I wish someone would reach out and show me I don’t have to be afraid.
Depression is isolating and as I’ve always been an introvert and have a reclusive streak this is made even worse.
This blog is the only place I feel I can say how I honestly feel. It is a form of therapy and because it’s not secretive I feel I am not hiding from the world. What I write is out there for people to read.
This sums up how I feel: