Relapse

Right now I would like to go to bed and not have to get up until I feel good and ready.

I’ve felt on a downward slide for the last week or so and I don’t know if I’m at the bottom yet.

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I want to be left alone to stay under my duvet and wait for things to get better.

Logically I know this is unhelpful. Only I can can get myself better.

But when I’m in a low I don’t know how. It feels impossible. Only change will make it better, but I don’t know what changes to make. I can’t change everything.

I’m trying to be kind to myself. Not to push myself too hard. To speak encouraging words in my head.

I feel physically ill. I’m exhausted and my eyes are heavy. I’m either too hot or too cold. But I don’t think I’m unwell.

Just mentally unwell. I think this is worse.

I think I’m in a relapse. Spiralling down to a lower point I haven’t been for a while. At a fast speed and can’t find the breaks.

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I wrote the above at about 12pm and although I still feel the same in some ways the desperation has passed. The desire to stop and hide has passed, although I could probably use a day off to rest.

There are things I want to do with my life. There are things I want to finish and will help me once they are done. There are things I can start thinking about and planning. I can do things to see if they will actually be possible.

I still feel stuck where I am in my life and career, but I can work on changing that, even though I can’t change things right now. I can remember how lucky I am to be able to have the time to think and plan and probably even implement while in my current situation.

I have a dream and I want to see if it is possible to live that dream. But I have to work for it as it won’t appear on it’s own.

I think the hardest part of depression recovery is the unknown. I don’t know when I’ll be better or if I ever fully will. I haven’t fully accepted that yet, but I want to. I have to believe in myself at the lowest moments and come through them with determination and acceptance. This is probably the worst part of depression to be in – the getting better. It’s uphill climb and every now and then I will lose my footing and slide back down for a while. I then need to find it in to get back up and start climbing again. I am beginning to understand why people don’t cope – this morning I wasn’t coping. It would have been easy to just stop, but something inside me won’t let me give up on myself. That part of me won’t let me wallow in self-pity for long. It quietens down the negative voice and soothes the vulnerable me out of hiding.

Today will probably happen again. I will slip down and have to get myself back up. But today has shown me how quickly I can. I still feel lower than a week or so ago, but I don’t feel as low as this morning. Even if it was taking one step up that hill, it has made a lot of difference. The feelings pass. It may not feel like they will at the time, but they do and I just need to remember that.

I’m mentally unwell and that’s okay as I’m working on getting better.

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