I do this.
Food is my go to friend when I am in need. Its there to celebrate with me, commiserate with me. To warm me up. To keep me calm. It’s there when I need it no questions asked.
However this is part of the lifestyle I want to live.
I want to enjoy food and use it to keep me fuelled, but I don’t want to use it as a coping mechanism.
Breaking this habit and the many associations that go with it is going to be very hard.
I need to use the information from the lifestyle course I am on to make a list of things to do (instead of eating) when I feel emotions that I associate with eating.
This is about taking action and living the lifestyle I want to live, rather than waiting for me to be done with emotional eating then live. I will never get rid of emotional eating. Everyone does it to different degrees. I just want to stop it being my go to action.
Last night I pretty much ate a whole cake. I started eating it because I was hungry, but I bought it in secret. I kept it a secret and so I ate it in secret and ended up eating pretty much all of it to hide the evidence. I knew when I put it in my basket what would happen, but the voice inside my head told me I could make that decision later. However for me the decision is made in the shop. I know this. I’ve known that forever and am just in denial that I can make the decision later. Sometimes I can stop and throw away a whole cake after one slice, but it is a rare. It is also stressful. Accepting that I am going to eat it is less stressful even though I know I shouldn’t. Even less stressful is not buying it in the first place.
When I am feeling emotional – lonely, sad, happy – my first thought is going to the shop. This is where I need to take alternative action. It’s easy to say now, but I know its hard to do in the moment when through feelings and associated thoughts hit. It is easier to follow the thoughts. It’s like doing as you’re told.
So I want to rebel!
I am awful at rebelling. I’m not a people pleaser, but I don’t like conflict. If a subject comes up that I don’t agree with I often keep quiet than risk conflict. Although I will stand up if I think someone is being out of line – bullying is not acceptable! In work I like to get things done correctly first time. In school I was the same. I am much better at asking for help than I was though, much better 🙂
But rebelling against myself is probably the hardest thing for me to do.
I think this is a big part of my depression, probably the biggest. I am constantly at war with myself in my head. Having so much conflict in my head is exhausting and doesn’t get me to where I want to.
I ha d break before carrying on writing this and was surfing the net not really sure what I was looking for and went back to Medicinal Marzipan, which I found a few years ago and have enjoyed reading, but never really thought it related to me. Now it really does and probably always has.
It was this wording that got me – “self-inflicted abuse” – I am totally abusing myself. Mentally in the way I beat myself up and physically the way I eat. I have never thought about it this way before. I knew what i am doing wasn’t healthy, but abuse is a strong word, which I never thought would apply to me. I won’t let other people abuse me, so why do I let myself do it to myself?
I can’t answer that right now, but I am interested in working it out. I imagine it could take a while. So in the meantime I am going to work on ways to nourish my mind and body and stop punishing myself.
I want to be grateful for the body and mind I have. They are amazing and support me through life. I wouldn’t want to change them for a new version, but I can work to restore what I have so they will continue to support me into the future.