I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately as you can tell by the last few posts. I’ve taken some time out and tried to feel what I am feeling without judgement or trying to change anything, just to feel.
For a while I have felt completely out of control of myself.
But then how much control do we really have over things?
Our decisions are influences by any number of factors and we make the best choice we can at that specific moment. I think that regret stems from having more information in the future than you did when you made the choice, but you have to remember what you knew at that time and not later.
There are 2 things I know I can control right now:
Last night I coped using food. I ordered pizza and ate it so quickly I remember catching myself half way through and wondering how it was already half gone. I sat on the sofa and stuffed myself to try to fill a hole that can’t be filled by food, but I had to try something.
I wasn’t particularly sad or down last night, just tired more than anything.
I’m not sure what I need at the moment to fill the hole that is there. I’m sure I’ll figure it out or it will sort itself out, but in the meantime I have to find better ways to cope and not use food.
This then goes back to the things I can control. My diet and the exercise I do. I can work on these without it affecting anyone else. I can work on these to benefit myself.
Lets call it renovating – this came up on the Up & Running 5k course I’m doing and I love the way of thinking about change like this. If you think of your body as your home, every now and again it needs a bit of extra TLC and a clear out and redecoration. However it is still the same home. It will remain familiar as the structure hasn’t changed, just the décor. I like this idea. My body is my home and right now it needs a bit of renovation to help it out and ensure it stays standing for the next 20 years. I suppose it’s like getitng a new kitchen or roof in extreme cases. It doesn’t get changed overnight. You have to plan, design, knock down, build up, test out and then use. In the end it takes work, but the renovation will last a while. It may be you need to move on to a different room for a lick of paint, but it’s one room at a time for different reasons everytime.
So at this point in time I am going to renovate my lifestyle. I want to live the life I dream of living. I need to put in the hard work to remove the furniture and take the wallpaper down. Then I need to work at putting it back up and moving back in, but the room doesn’t disappear, it’s still there and being used, I’m just changing the way in which I use it.
I want to start living the life I want, rather than waiting to get there before I start.
Its all about the journey after all.