This is a question I have been asking myself since I made the decision to start looking at getting somewhere of my own.
I have not enjoyed being at the flat as much as I thought I would. It is a mix of things like location, lifestyle and not sleeping! I feel so bad about not enjoying it and having to move out for my own mental health and leaving my flatmate, but I have to do what is right for me. I am technically staying until the end of the contract, but I have moved back to my parents house.
It all started with not being able to sleep very well at the flat. I hoped it was just new noises and would just take a bit of getting used to, but after 2 months of interrupted sleep I broke down and headed home in floods of tears. I knew I had changed medication for my depression in order to help me sleep better, but it was not enough. I didn’t feel secure in the flat. It didn’t feel like the sanctuary home has always been for me.
This is when I realised how different my lifestyle is from my flatmates. Home for me is a private, quiet sanctuary to return to after a day at work or a workout. I found it difficult to be social all the time and this is what made me reluctant to get a flat with a friend in the first place, but I thought I was being silly. I am an early bird. i get up early and go to bed early. My flatmate is almost the opposite. The problem was I don’t sleep well if I knew she hadn’t come in yet, or when the doors open and close or if there are other people in the flat. I got to the point where I could not relax and was so tired.
But the guilt and shame of being a failure kept me there past when I should have left or at least taken a break.
It wasn’t helped by the fact I am really not enjoying my job. The new flat was not as convenient as I thought it was going to be as I was still driving everywhere with my gym or swimming kit. I was away from all my clubs and the community I felt part of. It got to the point where I felt like a stranger in the place I was living. I couldn’t call it home.
I felt like a failure in all aspects of my life and it got too much. I had to leave and I found I couldn’t talk to the person I needed to talk to most – my flatmate.
I was comparing myself to other people more and more and that included my flatmate who from my perspective has flourished since moving into the flat. Just another reason to feel like a failure I would think.
I was sinking back down and hated every second of it. I knew I needed help and I knew I needed a support system. That involved moving home and having solitude again.
I am happy with my decision. I have been sleeping a lot better. I have felt more productive at work and while studying. I have also started talking about things again – to my parents, sister and counsellor.
Moving in with a friend was the wrong step for me to take. I have learnt from it, but can’t help feeling guilty and like a failure in my low points, but I know I am doing the right thing for me.
I know this will change our relationship, but I will have to deal with the consequences of my decision. I am sad about this and am sorry I couldn’t make it work. I don’t know if my flatmate will read this, but I had to write it down for me to make sense of it and back up my decision.
I feel like a bad person and am letting my flatmate down, but I am committed to the last half of the contract and will stick to it, but not live at the flat.
So Why Am I Buying A House?
Its the right time for me. I like where I am located. I like my social life. I may not like my job, but I can search for a new one where I am 🙂
In the end I need a sanctuary and buying my own house will provide me with one I can truly make my own.