Solitude

Solitude, a state of seclusion, not to be confused with social isolation or loneliness. Source

I value solitude. A Lot!

I like being on my own. It gives me chance to think and be myself. But I also know too much of it can lead to loneliness. At the moment I need solitude. It help me stop sinking. Weird? Maybe, but it works for me!

I have felt my sinking for a while. I thought my 2 month holiday would make everything okay, but I was fantasising. I left things and everything got better. Then I came back with a renewed sense of me and felt great. Unfortunately the same pressures are still present and over time wear away the defences I built up.

It’s been hard to admit I’m struggling, but I am.

This weekend I have given myself some time off from everyone I know. I still went out and did things – like my open water swim seminar – but on my own.

It felt good. I felt in control for the most part. I felt like the person I want to be. I didn’t have to make any effort to defend that person. I am me.

I find it hard at work to be the person I want to be. I get sucked into becoming the child, because I am treated like one by the other (older) members of my team. I hate it and I become the defensive, stubborn child.

It’s time to move on. I am trying to put my efforts into proactive and constructive activities – like job hunting!

Swimming is my escape. Exercise is also an escape, but I find it hard to motivate myself at the moment to go on my own.

Solitude is my other escape. This weekend has been what I needed. I put solitude on a lower priority level over the last couple of months and have paid for it emotionally.

I don’t know where I am going in the next few months, but I have to remember to take care of myself as I’m no good to myself or anyone else otherwise.

 

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