I normally have the title for my posts before I have written them. But for this post I could not think of what I wanted to call it only that I wanted to say something. So as I am writing this WordPress has called this page 4052 🙂
I have been thinking more about self sabotage since my post earlier this week. Guilt is the hardest feeling for me to deal with. I can feel guilty about everything! But why? Many times I have nothing to feel guilty about, I just do as I can’t make some event or get together or that I don’t want to do something. I also try to do too much sometimes and then feel guilty for not taking care of myself.
Guilt is useless though. If it inspired action then I could understand it, but it really doesn’t! It’s horrible and encourages inaction and self-loathing. The one thing it is making me do it question it though. When I start to feel guilty I have started having a conversation with myself. It feel weird, but it does help.
The main thing I keep coming back to at the moment is how different my life is compared to my oldest friends. The comparisons are pointless and I love them for who they are and I hope in return they love me for me. Those who don’t aren’t worth it, its just harder in reality.
I’ve been thinking about my current motivations and they all involve fitness to some degree. I’ve upped my swimming to 4/5 times a week. I just started back at bootcamp, which I’ll post about in full later this month. I have also today signed up for the Up & Running 5km Course which starts in June. I am doing all these things for me before I enjoy doing them and also enjoy spending time with the other people who do them.
I feel guilty at the moment because I have to say no to a lot of things with friends. But then I look at all the things I am doing with other friends and I enjoy those so much. I get the motivation and encouragement I need to live the life I want to live from the people I meet at activities that I cannot and will not give that up.
Then I feel guilty for thinking I am being selfish. Its a cycle I really want to break!
But now I have a title for this post 🙂
I think I am trying to justify my lifestyle to myself as I seem to keep having to do it for other people, which makes me question myself and therefore try to justify myself again. Another endless cycle I am stuck in.
This also shows me where I am still struggling with self-esteem, which sucks.