Self Sabotage

I am really enjoying life right now – except work, but you can’t have everything 😉

I have felt in a good enough place to set myself goals. Not just goals I know I can reach and just need an incentive, but challenging goals I need to work at and know I might not succeed right away, but I want to succeed!

So why do I self sabotage?

This question has been plaguing me for the last week or so. I know the small decisions I make on a daily basis can impact on the bigger picture and so a lot of the time – especially in terms of food and fitness – two very important things to reach my long term goals!

In terms of food I sabotage myself by picking quick convenient foods – more often than not loaded with sugar and/or fat. Dominos and Ben& Jerrys are my current vices.

Fitness wise, it is being lazy – not being sensible and resting when I need to, but actually lazy and giving up on exercise classes specifically if my workout buddies can’t make it.

There is something going on that I am using food as a coping mechanism, but I am having trouble working out what. My anxiety keeps flaring up at the moment too. I think living with a friend, instead of my parents, has highlighted how different I am to people. Not there is anything wrong with that and I am so glad to be out of the parents house!

I live a life I love, but is completely different to most people and I keep comparing myself to others – WHICH I NEED TO STOP!

For me getting up early (like 5:30am) to swim isn’t an issue and therefore going to bed at 9pm or even 8pm some nights doesn’t bother me. Until I think of other people – my flatmate is basically the opposite, a complete night owl 🙂

My social life is my swimming and fitness. When I am at home I like it to be peaceful and relaxing. I suppose I keep the two quite separate and thinking about it I always have. I’m not the first to invite people round. I don’t think to make the effort to arrange to see people. It’s not like I don’t see anyone, but I am reclusive in nature, especially at home.

I’m also a worrier!

I’ve never lived with anyone other than my parents and I think it’s my source of anxiety. It’s not stressing me out, but I worry I live a lifestyle that could annoy other people and I worry that although my flatmate doesn’t mind at the moment, it could annoy her in the future. I also know that it works both ways. Sleep is very important to me and if she has people over in the evening I could become the grumpy flatmate – which I really don’t want to happen.

I’m worrying about things I have no control over!

Am I self sabotaging to make myself feel better? I want to say no, as it really doesn’t make me feel better. Binging makes me feel ashamed and guilty – 2 useless feelings. Being lazy makes me feel lazy. I feel so much better when I exercise.

So why am I hurting myself with behaviours I know are destructive? Because that is what I am doing, I am only hurting myself. These decisions are stopping me from reaching my goals. They make me feel feelings that are unproductive. They make me feel stuck where I am and that is the worst feeling to me right now. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be moving forward. I want to live a life I enjoy and work for. I want to reach my goals and then set new goals for the next stage of my life.

I think this post has helped. I need to work on these areas and need to recognise I might always need to work on them. Reading Unlimited has helped put lots of things in perspective for me. One important thing that I need to build is a support network and in order to do that I need to be give more of myself. If I don’t give my time how can I expect others to give theirs for me? I’m not sure right now how I am going to do this, so this week I am going to have a think and I’ll let you know what happens 🙂

I don’t think there is anything in here that my flatmate and I haven’t spoken about, but incase there is Sian, let me know! It’s a lot easier to think through things in writing than talking – something I need to keep working at.

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