I’m feeling a bit lost.
It’s weird feeling. Not horrible, but not pleasant. I just feel lost.
The whole of last year was taken up by thinking and looking forward to this trip, but now it’s coming to end. What next?
I don’t know what I want to do in my life. It scares me. I know lots of other people feel the same, but no one shows it. I probably don’t. Why do we need to seem so confident and self assured?
Is planning and going on trips going to be how I fulfil my life? Is there anything wrong with that?
But why do I feel guilty? Well not guilty, but maybe not normal.
I know I don’t want what lots of other people want. I know I don’t want kids now or in the near future – maybe never, but never say never. I’ve never dreamed of settling down in a house of my own with a family or getting married. I don’t have those desires. Is that weird?
Sometimes I feel weird.
All I know is I want to travel. I love travelling. I love learning and seeing new places. I love exploring and wandering. I love researching new places. I love reading. I love walking and swimming and skiing and hiking. I love the coast. I love the mountains. I don’t love the rainforest, but it was amazing! I love doing new things.
When I wrote that last paragraph I felt good. I felt excited. I felt happy. I was not expecting those feelings just from writing those few lines. I still find it amazing what writing does for me.
I think my problem is I don’t accept myself. I also don’t trust myself. I beat myself up when there is often no need to do so. Why should I feel weird about what I want and love? I shouldn’t.
I’ve spent the last year also trying to figure out myself. Not necessarily trying to understand everything,but get to know me a bit more. Learning to accept myself is hard work and I hate that. I have spent so much time trying to fit other people versions of me that I am constantly compromising myself. No wonder I don’t know who I am.
I want to be myself all the time.
I feel like I have made progress in one post. I didn’t plan to write this post. I just sat down and was reading other blogs and the lost feeling took over. I think I need to give up google reader as i have grown away from some blogs, while others are growing away from me.
I’m a planner. Once I have a plan I find it easier to reach my goals. Travel planning is fun for me 🙂
So on to the next trip! Japan? Athens? Paris? Iceland? So many choices!
Location:Pike St,Seattle,United States