Unwanted Thoughts

It has suddenly hit me that I have to go home and I don’t want to.

Well that is a lie. I do want to go home. I miss my friends. I miss swimming. I miss home. But I don’t miss my job.

I feel guilty about this.

How do people do it? How do people work all the time? In an office? In jobs they don’t like?

I have tried to just think about the money and work to live and travel, but it is hard. It goes against everything I aimed for. I want job I can wake up every morning and want to start each morning. I am learning that is a very rare thing indeed.

The thing is I don’t know what I want to do.

I know want to be around nice people. I think I could do almost any job if I was lucky to have great people to share it with. Like in my very first job at he swimming pool.

So now with 2 weeks left of my trip my anxiety is flaring up again. I know most of my daily stress stems from my work and the expectations I put on myself and the fact my expectations of others is never met. I’m not a perfectionist, but I like to give it my best. I also like to learn. Asking for help in my current job is a sign of weakness and I hate it. People are on the look out for anything to bring you down. It is not a nice working environment.

I hope that I have just been unlucky in my working life since university and that one day I will find a job I want to do.

But right now I don’t know. I think I would feel better not having a job to go back to. Having a fresh start.

I know I am damn lucky to have been given these 2 months off to be able to do my trip, but am still questioning whether that is what I wanted. Did I really want to come away for the year as originally planned? Can I still do that?

But then there are things at home I want to do. Get back to exercising with Linz. Get focused on my swimming and do my open water swims in the summer. Move out of my parents place!

I feel like al the feelings I have been free of for the last 6 weeks are coming back and I don’t like it.

I want to be free of this depression. I want to focus on my future.

The problem is I don’t know where I want to go! At All!

The only thing I am sure of is my travel wish list. I want to be able to see and explore the world. In order to do that’s need money and therefore a job!

I need a day off from sightseeing to have a think about me. I want to look at what I want to do in terms of this year and longer term. To do this I actually need to sit still, which I can do today.

Location:1st Ave,Seattle,United States

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