It sucks feeling down about yourself.
I look at my life and I am so grateful for what I have:
- Great parents
- Great sisters
- Amazing friends
- A good job
- Freedom to do whatever I want
So why do I feel down? I ask myself this all the time and I can’t answer it. I talk about lots of different things with different people and that is great. The only person I talk opening about everything and anything is my counsellor and I still can’t answer my own question.
When I feel down I turn to food. It is a distraction. It is a habit distraction. It is something I learned as a child I suppose, but I can’t pinpoint it to any particular time or event.
Food doesn’t talk back. Food doesn’t offer advice or solutions. Food doesn’t judge. Food is there all the time.
I am trying to find new distractions and that works sometimes. However I never feel relaxed. I never feel like I get a break. I suppose food is also my escape. Food has become something I can rely on. It is something to do. I associate it with relaxing and being away from the daily grind of life.
I would like to break this way of thinking. I would like to trust myself. Around food. Around people. Around myself.
I have been beating myself up about my daily updates or lack of them. There are a number of reasons why I miss them. This week it was because I was busy and too tired to blog at night. The weekend it was because I binged and did not want to blog about it. Binging is a personal thing. It is something i have kept secret for so long I find it very hard to talk about. It is mine. No one can understand it. I feel defensive about it. I feel angry at myself for doing it. For giving in. If anyone were to ask about it I know I would bite their heads off. How can they understand? It is my natural response to defend myself and my behaviour. Even a behaviour that I don’t like. It is part of me. I cannot separate myself from it even though I would love to and even during binges I detach from myself. It is like a separate part of my personality, but it isn’t.
This post has been a stream of thoughts. I have no plan other than to say I am going to take the pressure off myself and stop doing daily posts, but do recaps. I want to keep tracking my food on here as I feel I am accountable, but I can’t beat myself up about missing a post. Therefore as long as I do a post every week from the last one I will be happy. I am not going to set a particular day. I would it to be when I naturally want to talk about food and what I have eaten. I want to include my binges if they happen. I want to honest with myself and therefore with this blog.
It is all part of my journey through life. I just feel a little lost on this part of the journey.
The photo is from a few years ago.