I’ve made the decision to pull out of everything triathlon for the foreseeable future. The only way I will be involved is through swimming (doing a relay in May), otherwise I am stepping away and focusing on my own swimming journey.
It has taken me months to realise something wasn’t right with what I was focusing on. I have been struggling with motivation to train and especially to run and I wondered why. I knew it had to be more than just the cold winter months of darkness. I have been in denial about how much I wanted to do triathlon and when the commitment requirement was getting too much I realised I didn’t want to do it at all any more.
So I am withdrawing from the 70.3 I signed up for last year and the Good Friday Tri later this week!
Maybe if I had realised a spoken up sooner I wouldn’t be stepping away completely, but that is with hindsight. Right now I don’t want to have anything to do with triathlon and need to step away before I come to hate it.
I hope I’ll come back to it one day, but I am happy with what I have already achieved. I thought I wanted to do a longer distance, but deep down I know it is not the right time for me to commit to something like this. I have to want it so much that nothing else matters and in truth that is not how I feel right now. I want to progress at work and I want swim in the lake more this summer. I want to spend time at home with my cats and take them into the garden to play and explore. I want to walk and spend time exploring for myself and letting myself wander in both body and mind.
I want so many things, but I don’t want triathlon like that anymore, and that is okay.
I’ve stressed about this for months and even once I made the decision probably over a month ago, I couldn’t bring myself to make it final. I felt guilty and worried I would be letting people down, but I know that if I did carry on I would only be letting myself down as I would not be able to give it my best and that matters to me. I have now told the club (leaving the option for a relay team open) and it is final. I feel so much lighter and less nervous. I know I can now move forwards in the ways I want to, rather than the way I was forcing myself to.