I missed my update last week, as I wanted to share my triathlon with you, of course breaking my toe.
The last week wasn’t great. I used food to distract from thoughts I didn’t want to deal with. I think the thoughts came about as I wasn’t busy being off work, and therefore had time to think. I only had one day where I ate more than I burned, but my overall calorie deficit is down. My weight also went up when I weighed in on Friday. I did sleep better with an average efficiency of 71%. Not my best, but better than the mid 60% I was getting the last couple of weeks.
It’s frustrating. I thought I had moved on from the thoughts of last year, in terms of not knowing what I’m doing or where I am going with life, asking why I can’t just be happy, but this last week they have returned. The self doubt and fear is horrible. I think it’s because I’ve had too much time to think. I’ve also been on my own a lot. Maybe it’s because I broke my toe and it knocked me off my plan. But it sucks. I turned to food as it’s the only thing I know how to do. I wrote lists of things to do when the urge to binge surfaces, but I haven’t yet got the switch to make me stop and think. I just want the feelings and thoughts to go away. I’m glad I go back to CBT this week as I’ve missed it and want to move on to the next step and dealing with things I’m not dealing with on my own. It’s going to be hard, but I know it will be good for me and help me.
I spend so much time beating myself up that is it no wonder I won’t let anyone else in. I hurt myself more than enough and know I couldn’t take it if someone else did it as well. But then I have and I’ve survived the last year. Resilience is often I word I hear form people who know me and my character. But I associate that with struggle and I want to be over that for now. I want to be content and happy with who I am and what I have. I want to like the person I am so others will in turn and I can let people in.
Too many thoughts this last week that I’m not processing well. I now live in my own home and want to be comfortable, yet I still stop myself crying when I’m sad. I talk harshly to myself, when it is the opportunity to show myself love and compassion. I could talk to myself and not feel stupid, yet I don’t, but I want to. I want to be the me inside my head on the outside, but I have spent so long telling that part of me to be quiet, for various reasons, and now she stays silent. I won’t even let myself be me when I’m on my own, how will I let myself be me with people. I don’t like feeling like two different people.
I want to end on a positive note as this last week has been hard, but I need to remind myself of the good things that have happened and that I’m grateful for:
- I completed a triathlon!
- People helped me out with no hesitation
- I can swim and bike with a broken toe
- I caught up on some favourite tv shows
- I love my house
- I have a job in the field I studied
There are more than these, but that will do for here. Stay positive everyone